Book Love 2015

I wanted to start my new year (you know when the clock strikes 12) with some writing. But I spent most of the last few hours of 2015 huddled in a chair reading and finishing the book Misery by Stephen King. So I let it be and pushed the writing part to the new day.

I love doing this ritual on my blog for myself. I feel huge gratitude that I live in a world where magic (also) dwells in the form of the written word and books. I also feel thankful that because of some strange wiring in my brain I 'love' reading books. I spent a lot of 2015 traveling. Mostly it was work related so my reading became punctuated by how much work related reading I ended up doing. If numbers were important then I read an abysmal 15 books this year. As I was going through the goodreads list, I realized I touched upon different genres, and writers from different countries and backgrounds this year. So that is a little ray of hope there! I like how I am stumbling across these writers and books. Serendipity or not.

I'll write about some of my favorite reads of this year.
Letters to a young poet by Rainer Maria Rilke - As a letter lover this book was a treat. Some of the most timeless advice for anyone who wants to write. Heck live a meaningful life. Rilke rules!
 
Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi - KT had recommended this book long time back. That email remained in my mailbox and the book never made it to my reading list. After I came back from a work trip and was itching to read a book which wouldn't be a 1000 page long will power test, but instead would be breeze. I picked this book and put it down only after I was finished reading it. What a book! Marjane's humor and no-nonsense objective look at life while growing up surrounded by a conflict was an eye opener. Her journey is not only interesting and fun, its strewn with personal loss, coming of age insights and what it means to be a liberated woman in this world. I loved the book.

Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda ngozi adichie - Adichie's single story TED talk drove me to her books. I picked purple hibiscus on a random whim. My biggest revelation while reading the book was as an Indian I could relate with the social structures in Nigeria. I liked Adichie's writing because it felt personal, had good observations about human nature and had pretty good characters. Of course I wanted to know more about what happened to Kambili.

The year of magical thinking by Joan Didion - I had never read Joan Didion before. I read this book because of a random brainpickings article I read. Her tale of personal loss was so honest and immediate that it felt refreshing in an odd way. Without any layers or drama, she lays out the facts. It puts you in an extremely vulnerable frame if not brutal and makes one wonder about how losing someone you love must feel like.

Eat and Run by Scott Jurek - Disclaimer- It may not be the most well written book out there about running or someone's running journey. But Scott Jurek is awesome and any book associated with him I'll read without judging for the inspiration quotient it brings. I have learnt so much about running and eating and life from this book. Thank you P for this amazing birthday gift!

Misery by Stephen King - Pushkar sometimes suggests the most scary books. A voracious reader himself I was prodding him for some holiday reading suggestions and he suggested I should check this one out. It was more of a thriller than horror, he had assured. The reason for my aversion to Mr. King was I had tried reading IT and had failed. I knew he was one hell of a writer, but he didn't deserve a sissy reader like me. Anyway I took Pushkar's word and marched on. I was hooked to the book despite the horrifying things it had in store for me. I finished it in 2 days. Unputdownable. Word of caution though - Dont read it during night. Creepiness quotient doubles.

I am planning to start 2016 with some non fiction with a hope to read many more genres, writers and books.

Delhi Half Marathon

I signed up for the Airtel Delhi half marathon 2 months ago (popularly known as #ADHM in running circles). I had been to Delhi earlier once and had liked the capital a lot! The race route went from Nehru Stadium, to Lodi Gardens to Rajpath (India Gate) to Parliament to Jantar Mantar and looped back to Nehru Stadium. So all the more reason for me to be able to run there and enjoy the royalty and history of Delhi.

In the running circles, the Delhi route is known as a flat route and hence best to get a personal best timing. Of course my wishful brain had already broken all personal records in its head and achieved running glory. Before you read further into this long post, let me shatter your dreams and make it clear nothing like this happened. In fact this was one of my worst post race experiences ever in terms of exhaustion and soreness. The saving grace was how valiantly I ran the first 18 km, without taking a break. And what happened after that as an anticlimax to an otherwise heroic story, if I may say so myself.

I reached Delhi well before the race ie early Friday morning. I spent the day with my childhood friend and her husband exploring Connaught place, Agrasen ki Baoli, Janpath, etc etc. Let me make it clear we did not walk much. Both of us (I and the friend) were going to run the half marathon and very well understood the implications of too much strain on the legs just 2 days before a race. We used the Metro extensively. Even sat on the floor for lack of space which was very Mumbai like of us according to Upasna :) We ended Friday with a light dinner and Mockingjay Part 2. The Katniss Everdeen within us had very much awakened and we felt ready for the battle.

On Saturday we collected our race kits and bibs. My only gripe was the collection point was far off from where I was staying ie Gurgaon. Because we wanted to conserve energy and time we did this trip by Uber and ended up spending a fortune of 1500 Rs. But nothing is greater than resting your legs and body before race day. We ended Saturday at 9 PM.

I woke up on race day at 4 AM without any alarm. Got ready with a light breakfast of banana, 2 parle G biscuits and some black tea and a glass of water. Reached the race holding area at 6.30 am i.e. 40 minutes before the race start. Of course had to take a loo break. Kudos to the organizers to have plenty of portable toilets at the venue (and also along the route). I did not have to wait in lines for a long time and go through anxiety of never reaching the start point in time.

The race started at sharp 7.10 AM. I and my friend were in holding area C, so it took us 2-3 minutes to reach timing mats on start point. I had already started my running app, as I did not want to miss starting it later. I started running only after the start point making way through the crowd of runners. I started steadily and slowly in the 7-7.20 mins/km pace zone. After 1 km point I settled in the 6.20-6.30 mins/km pace zone. Time for some back story here.

I had returned to India after a work trip a week before the race. As soon as I reached home, I caught a terrible cold. I let it run its course because I wanted my lungs to be freer of cough and related ailments on race day. I was also jetlagged and my sleep cycle was totally ruined. Because of all this drama I had missed one of my slightly longer weekly run. I had run only once in the week before the race. And before that due to travel etc I had missed 2 of my long runs.
So when I started #ADHM my mind and body knew that finishing the race strong would be a task in itself, given the hassle my body had gone through. But once I started running in the capital, in the morning smog and haze, my body settled in a rhythm and ran consistently. Around 6 km mark when India gate came into sight I could feel slight excitement. It was a very surreal moment for me to be running near India gate and on Rajpath. That added to my consistency and I continued running at the steady pace. At the 8km mark, I could see faster runners going back to the stadium (it was their 13km mark) and I felt immense joy that only 13 more km were remaining in my race. The half way point was near Jantar Mantar and once I looped around it, I promised my body that it will get a gel pack and some almonds once it reaches 15 km. At around 14km, I ate an almond and continued running without a break. My brain was functioning very well, as in it was not tired and asking my body to give up and start walking. My lungs were 'running' better than ever despite the cold/cough. So when the 16km mark came my brain told my body, one more kilometer and you will get half an energy gel! My body obliged. Somewhere during the 18th kilometer I tried to tear the gel pack while running. I could not, so I walked a few paces to concentrate on the tearing. To my shock the moment I paused to walk, I realized my legs had gone numb. My toes had that tingling sensation you get when blood flow has stopped to some part of your body. My immediate thought was I was going to faint in the middle of the road. I did not. So I continued walking for few meters and concentrated on eating the gel. I ate half the gel and started running again. My mind had of course started playing games. It was telling me to walk more. After 18km I started walking again. I felt I would walk to the finish line.

Seven!

And then a miracle man came by my side. He told me only 2 kms were remaining and I could do it. In a marathon event, you meet many such people who say words like 'come on' and move on. But he persisted. He did not let me walk. And so reluctantly I started running. I regained my initial pace despite my body screaming to let it go. I was literally chanting 'push, come one, push' to myself. Howmuchever weird it may sound. I crossed the finish line running and on a stronger note. Post run I sat down at the first spot I found empty on a staircase and ate the remaining gel and water. I was staring at the passersby like a zombie, trying to make sense of the trauma I made my body go through. And of course trying to find out my angel in disguise who made me not give up, whom I could never find again.

My lesson learnt is, however regular I am in training, I need to focus on what I eat specially when I travel. And since travel takes a toll on routine and general health, I need to plan better. Or may be I need to stop travelling and focus only on running :P

I am glad though I did this race. It was one of the better organized races I have been to. This was my seventh half marathon and it will always remain special for me!

What I am grateful for

I hate to make this a bullet list. But I love lists. So I'll make one anyway. Bullets or no bullets.

Wonderful work colleagues. I was working with a person double my age for the past 3 weeks. I am not including the age factor for a comparison but as a perspective. When I told him on Diwali evening (he was already sad for me that I had to be away from family, working instead) that I had to go for 2 dinners and would leave office early, and be not available for 3-4 hours (we were working on something very crucial), he seemed ok. He not only let me be but did not bother me with any emails or texts. Now I know this is supposed to a norm in professional work culture etc etc. But on that Diwali away from home, I just felt his gesture to be super nice and felt immensely grateful for wonderful people around.
On other note, despite having worked in the same domain for such a long time, I did not find him to be complacent. He was meticulous in everything he did, prepared for a customer presentation like a first timer for hours together, making sure the story fell in place, involving me in all discussions and decisions. I guess learning never ceases.
He is also an accomplished photographer with 47 years of photography work behind him. He takes photography classes in spare time and has even had his work exhibited, and without even doing a humble brag. 

Friends who remember little things about you or your life and dont forget to remind you :) I love you A and R and what would I do without you!

Movie gems like 'me and earl and the dying girl' on long haul, never ending flights. Some of the best writing and direction seen for a coming of age drama. Also, how I miss reading what Ebert uncle would have written about this movie.

Second chances life gives with some people. Sometimes, people are not the email conversations you have with them. When you meet the 'real' people you realize there is no dearth of niceness around. I find this especially reassuring given the troubled times we are in, when its easier to judge someone than getting to know the real person.

The end of the tour

When I told a friend few years ago, that I was in love with David Foster Wallace, he chuckled and was amused by my choice of literary heroes, given Wallace's personal struggle. I had to convince him then, that I didn't do this choosing consciously, its something that happens. Organic is the correct word to the process, if there ever was one. It holds true for most things in my life. At least that's what I would like to believe. Like running happened to me naturally, without any external or internal imbalance. In a, 'it was meant to be' kind of way. Most of my friendships have been that way. The ones which were not, did not last long. (I used to be sad about it, because these were perfectly nice people to have friendship with. But I had to make peace with myself).

Anyway, I digressed! The moral of the story is, I am attracted to flawed and imperfect and broken people like Dave Wallace, naturally. And if you do too, then you should watch this new movie called 'the end of the tour'. The movie is nothing but conversations between DFW and the rolling stone journalist. But deep inside it reveals so much about what it means to be a certain kind of human being, through the words, eyes, experiences of one of the most brilliant writers.
As an afterthought, I would like to believe that the last scene kind of depicted Wallace to be free of his self-consciousness and finally out of his own head.

And if you are not familiar with DFW then do listen to this.

Hyderabad half marahton 2015

Apart from my perfect world reasoning, I have figured out another reason to register for and run races. Change of scenery. Simple. Every day running in the same neighborhood, hunting for a new route to trod under your weathered running shoes starts to become a challenge. Within a couple of years once you start running. So the only way to kill boredom and monotony of above routine is to register and run for races.

And if you like to travel, its an added bonus. With or without trains.

For this year's version of the #AHM, I registered for the half marathon. AGAIN. As if going through last year's ordeal was not enough. But snarky comments on my decision making aside, I wanted to run in Hyderabad by correcting a few wrongs on my end and see if it affected how I felt post run.
I'll list down the things I felt I did wrong last year, considering my overall fitness at that point:
1. Traveled around the city on Saturday in blazing heat, in a bus, in auto, on foot.
2. Ate food without due consideration for the race next day.
3. Wore clothes in which I had not practiced before.
4. Slept at 12 in the night and got up at 3.30 am on race day. ie insufficient sleep

This time I took the Shatabdi from Pune to Hyderabad, along with a bunch of other runners. I loved the Shatabdi experience! The food was good and the train super clean and super fast. As the train criss crossed through Maharashtra, Karnataka, Andhra Pradesh, the eight hour long day journey felt seemingly small. We reached in the afternoon, on the day before the race day. Did the ritual of visiting the race expo, bib collection, hanging around sports booths.

Upon checking in at the hotel, it was already evening. So even if I had any plans of sight seeing or shopping, I could not. So the evening culminated in a light South Indian dinner at Minerva Café. I was back at the hotel and in bed at 8.30 PM. After unpacking for race day and keeping my race gear* etc ready. Yes! At 9 PM I was asleep. Of course, one can blame the residual jet lag in my system for such early bed time. Nonetheless, I was asleep soon and woke up at 3.30 AM. 6-6.5 hours of sleep before a race has been a never before event in my running life. That itself was exciting enough. I was ready by 4.30 AM and done with one round of light breakfast of banana, some black tea, 2 marie biscuits and 2 glasses of water.

We left hotel at 5.20 AM. Because I had so much water I had to clear it out as well, and I spent 10 anxious minutes in the toilet line, just before the event. By the time we made it to the runners assembly area, it was crowded beyond imagination. We tried to sneak in with 'Excuse Me's and shoves and pushes, but could only make some progress. As the balloons went off and the race was flagged off, it took us 3-4 minutes to get to the start point. So the initial jitters of starting the race properly, were practically non existent. We were too worried about getting pushed to the start line.

Once the race started, it dawned on me that I had not made any plans. I had just shown up with enough regular runs in my pocket. One more thing I should clarify here. I ran in the US for a month prior to the race. Due to some magic (running gods must be happy with me!), my running speeds had improved tremendously there.

When I returned, I was worried how this would impact my race day. Weather and temperature are a huge factor in determining how you feel during a run. Keeping that in mind from last year's fiasco at Hyderabad, I felt I was prepared for any kind of drastic weather change. This was another reason, I had no particular plan for #AHM.

Around 4-5 km when everyone had found their comfort zone and the roads had cleared a bit, I spotted a 2.30 hour half marathon bus. The pacer looked familiar (he was from Pune) so I felt like joining him. One good outcome of this decision was, I ended up running in my comfort zone of 6.30-6.45 mins/km for the most distance. I did not push myself too hard to run faster and hence prevented a burn out. I also felt amazingly in control most of the time during the run. To quote every runner 'I was enjoying the run'. One flyover turned into another, one uphill turned into another but I did not feel like stopping or giving up. Despite blisters starting to form on my soles of both feet. I had never experienced this before. After 5-6 km, there was this weird burning sensation of the soles and it never quite went away.

I just ran. Never minding the pain or discomfort. This is how pain feels like, I told myself.

Around 17km, when the last uphill leg of the half marathon route started, I felt a bit tired. I told the pacer I wanted to walk. We still had 30 good minutes buffer to cover the 4 km and finish race before the 2 hour 30 mark. He kept on pushing me and making me feel comfortable by giving me illusive goals of 'just few more steps', 'just that banner', 'just that bend'. I did listen to him! When we entered the last 500 meters, I somehow got ahead of the bus and finished the race in 2 hours 22 mins.
I waited and waited for the pacer and his bus to show up but could not find him to convey my thanks, in the sea of people ->

there is no such thing as too many people!

[When I told this story to a few friends later, they laughed at me saying I must have imagined this 'pacer'! Of course, I did not.]

I was extremely satisfied and satiated post run. I got out of the daze to sit on the nearby lawn and removed my shoes. The touch of the grass to my blistered feet, is how heaven must feel like, I wanted to tell someone. I was smiling like a fool with that realization.
Contrary to all my previous race experiences, I ran this one without any specific goals and outcomes in mind. I was the most happy by the end of it. I think there is some hidden life lesson here. But I am going to let it go and try to learn during next race. May be ?

* I had practiced in my race day clothes on long runs during training. Since I sweat profusely while running, I was aware of what to expect in these clothes during the humid, hot run in hyderabad.

Default settings

These days I find myself making a lot of decisions of choosing between reacting or responding to a situation. I was surprised to find out, after so many years of trying to teach myself, that my default setting still is 'choosing to react'. Since it is easier to react, makes life harder. And I used to wonder I am moving towards this more self aware state of being, where I know what I am doing. Apparently, I do not. Still.

A close friend, pointed out a few things I do wrong, the other day. Believe me, if it wasn't KT, I would have conveniently reacted, thrown a fit how people are stupid and walked off. Since it was KT, I paused. I have been feeling bogged down by a lot of things in life lately, so what she said made even more sense. Maybe it was the trigger I needed. I started noticing patterns in my own behavior, how I was choosing the easier path of reacting to situations over and over again. Simply because it gave me more time to focus on other things. Little did I realize that it was becoming a part of my system.

Lately 'I don't have time' has been my standard reaction to a lot of people. After the quiet conversation over whatsapp with KT, I decided to refocus. I spent the day working from home. I made myself 4-5 cups of tea over the day, I took a nap, started reading a book, called up few friends and talked for hours and tried to not be shaped by my defaults.

Have I changed to 'not default' setting ? No. I would still prefer to judge some people without trying to understand where they are coming from. But I would know why I am doing that. And maybe someday go back to it and change my default stance. And as for making responsiveness my default, I guess it will always be work in progress. There but never quite there.

Notifications free

I joined the smart phone bandwagon pretty late. So-oh late that by the time I was on whatsapp everyone in my life, was already tired/bored of it and was seeking out ways to replace it with something else. But I guess that's the ruse they used on me to finally get me on board. Like everyone else. Hooked to my phone and the pings and the notifications. As with every new toy a kid gets I was obsessed with my smart phone. Learning the tricks. Playing candy crush incessantly. Driving everyone around crazy by begging for a life. Virtual life. As with all millennial trends I quickly reached a milestone where I could not live without looking at my phone every few seconds. Well, I exaggerate. Every other minute is more like it.

Around 2014 year end, my phone stopped working for some reason I dont remember. When it finally started, I had to reset all the apps. Which gave me a chance to reconfigure notifications settings for all apps. I have always been a proponent of silent notifications, so I never had to worry about what kind of sounds my phone would create to grab my attention. Still the visual notifications were there. My OCD struck brain could not handle notifications count each app showed, for missed notifications. Also the unseen notifications panel on iPhone lock screen annoyed me to no extent. Getting rid of them one by one per app was testing my patience. So I got rid of them one app at a time. Starting Jan 2015 my phone went notifications free. 
Whatsapp
Facebook/Messenger
Gmail
Twitter
Instagram
Foursquare/Swarm
Skype
Goodreads
Viber
Dictionary
Quizup
Elevate
Foodpanda
Pinterest
All misc apps like drive, uber, ola, yelp etc etc.

These apps were the first on the list.
Then I muted all groups on whatsapp. I also left a few groups eventually (story later).
The only apps where I did want to receive notifications were runkeeper and words with friends (given the frequency and liking for these app activities). So they got full reign over my notifications tab.
A big fear while doing this was I'll miss out on stuff. So the in app notifications remained. For example close friends updated on facebook etc.

So what's the outcome of all this cleansing ?

The frequency of me checking my phone has not reduced much. But I feel a huge relief because I dont feel like constantly checking my phone. I do check it every other hour (see the difference!) but its more for twitter and ig feed refresh and sometimes to clear whatsapp group messages, most of which are forwards which I do not even bother to read (on most occasions! )

6 months later I realize, I have not missed out on anything super important contrary to my fear. I am very much in loop on things happening in my social network. I do have this sense of not being controlled by the urge to check something on phone or keep it charged all the time. I am falling into a pattern to check emails. Like on my phone I check emails only in the morning after I get up and once I am home from work (which is sometimes a lot more than I would like). For the rest of the time, I am always logged into my computer, so does not matter. I have realized most whatsapp/fb/twitter/instagram notifications dont require my attention. But I still respond to them in a timely fashion, which serves another OCD of not having any response/reply debt.

Of course I am not sin free. Texts/iMessages, Calendar and work mail/slack are few notifications enabled apps, I have not yet gotten rid of. I am almost scared to death to miss out on anything (important) related to work. So I am not getting rid of visual notifications for them anytime soon. Also I do check work emails at ungodly hours and reply to them as well. So that is going to need a lot of discipline. I am not sure if I would like to get rid of Calendar alerts. They help. All the time!

In the end I am happy to announce that it does not kill you. Only makes you stranger.