The Neapolitan Novels

I read and enjoyed and also got (un)necessarily involved in really good fiction, thanks to the Neapolitan Novels series by Elena Ferrante. For beginners its a 4 book series, traverses the friendship and story of 2 girls growing up in Naples Italy from 1960s to early 2000s. (I had decided to do a 1/2 yearly books-I-read review post on the blog, but who am I if not a slave to breaking my own resolutions).

Things that went through my head as I read and progressed and finally finished this series.

1. For some reason I failed to remember the instances when Lenu or Lila cried in the books. Actual crying.

2. I read a book series after a really long time. Last time I read something like this was A song of ice and fire (you know what happened there) and The kingkiller chronicles (3rd book is supposed to be out by this year end or next year, I think). So a part of me could not come to terms that I would *actually* get to read this series to the end in the same year!

3. Normally books based in a particular city/country evoke a longing in me to visit the place. I felt nothing like that as I finished these books. I also read up some more on Naples as I progressed and the books don't diverge from what the real Naples is. It's presented as is. Full of violence, crime, contradictions and poverty.

4. The writing reflects honesty. Specially of emotions. Elena Greco (one of the protagonists) is doing the narration throughout the series, as (not a spoiler) she is the published writer in the fictional world. Although, Elena's honesty about her own life is at times annoying, verging on self victimizing, her honesty for all other characters reflects that she really loved them.

5. Rafaella aka Lila and Elena aka Lenu's friendship can become the lore of modern times. I would have preferred some of the drama that surrounds their life to be not there. Someone may be Netflix should convert this into a series. 

6. I LOVED the 3rd (and the 4th comes closest) book in the series the most. Maybe, since it has themes of leaving home to carve an identity, growing up, life changing decisions etc, something I am still grappling with and coming to terms with. 

7. Nino Sarratore is a jerk. We all meet one such person in our lives. I think. There are hate tumblrs for Nino Sarratore. LOL.

8. I was so disturbed by some of the events, incidents in book 3 that I proclaimed to T, that I am never going to start reading the 4th book and finish the series. I was so done with it. But my OCD prevailed. Also, I wanted to know. So I read like any good person does.

9. This is a pretty vague point, but I'll try to articulate nonetheless. Few writers, authors can delve really deep into the nuances of what we feel on a daily basis. Doing so requires a lot of hard work. Translating that onto paper honestly even more so. No wonder each book in this series is 400+ pages long (I read hard copies, shared the carbon footprint with T by bartering). Even reading such stuff is at times very involving and taxing, as you get sucked into it. Maybe Ferrante was coming from a very personal place, maybe these people are real, what happened to them is real. I am glad someone wrote about their lives. Even if under a pseudonym.

10. I am not much into choosing favorite characters. But, I want separate stories and books to be written on Michele Solara and Enzo Scanno. Theme being 'Devotion to Lila'

11. Also, I think the name of book 4 is not really literal allusion to things happening to characters. Its deeper, its about the lost child within each of them? (or maybe I am overthinking or maybe I am not).

12. I cried at the end of book 4. I could not believe that the narration of these intense, complicated, intertwined lives was coming to an end. Not much is revealed about a lot of 'whys' in the books, I am going to have a tough time making peace with that fact.

13. The history of the world changing around the girls is captured in the books. From earthquakes to political upheavals to technology's penetration in daily lives. That made the text richer.

Of Cassini, broken hearts and roses blooming in my borrowed garden

I am looking at the final descent of the Cassini spacecraft into Saturn's atmosphere. As Cassini dares into the uncharted territory, I well up. There is something deeply moving and romantic about the images. I wonder what all the astronomer's in the world must be feeling now. Wonder, excitement, awe of what awaits? As the final moments of Cassini's life reach earth, we all wait. Wonder for the unknown. Gratefulness for the gone. The one's who are left behind.

My heart is trying to find meaning in this unknown. The images are eerily incredible. They mend something inside me. Something heals. Not that things necessarily need mending. But I'll take this catharsis over the rootlessness I tend to feel from time to time. Belong.

Talking of which, I got to be the new caretaker of the mini garden that came with this apartment. The plants lived. Well beyond my own surprise and wonder. Things could not have been better. But the household help, loves annoying me. She broke an entire and ONLY bark of the rose plant, because it was growing aimlessly and had become difficult to not bump into. Keeping all my composure, I confronted her the next day, pretending to work from home. She said 'didi, see it will grow back again.' Yes, but I had managed to keep it alive for so long, why the heck did you have to do what you did! In this harsh summer. Of course, in front of her I merely agreed and went back to pretend mode.

I now started watering the plants without even looking at them. And one day groggy eyed I woke up to this

Why could I not see this for so long? Break, re-grow, move on.

In other news, SHE broke/cut off branches of 3 other plants. They are learning to re-grow. I have succumbed to the mighty Surekha Tai's wisdom.

A list..

Of unfinished/unstarted/left in random state projects. Because Upasna who I am constantly in awe of wrote one with the most apt illustration.

1. Books - 9 physical books have piled up on my to read list. I don't know how/when I am going to arrive at them.

2. Photo memory project - I am not big on clicking pictures using phone or any other device. Recently with the addition of a new member to our family i.e. Baby M, I want to document picture memories. I have made a start on this project, but but but..

3. Website - This year my blog completes 10 years! Hence I want to convert into a digital real estate owner. Initial research is in, but rest of the pieces of the puzzle remain to be arranged.

4. Alarm clock - This is not a project per say, but a personal move away from smart phone alarm clock, I have been meaning to do. Call it laziness or sheer unwillingness to take time out of my schedule, I have been unable to buy one! I don't know what will happen to me. 

5. Home lighting project - I live in a rented apartment, but I have been wanting to change the lighting for quite some time. I have not found the time to do any research in this regard to even get started :(

6. Bullet journal - I skipped #bujo for 15 days of February - excuse travel and 15 days of March - excuse work.

7. Medal hanger - My running medals deserve a space of their own. I might just scrap this project and buy a hanger off amazon. #GettingThingsDone

8. Pocket reads - I have more than 100 unread links/articles in my pocket feed. I am a stickler for 0 inbox and that numbers keeps on gnawing at me. I know sane advice is to just delete the app and live a peaceful life. But I really want to read the stuff I have saved over months (I even remember what I have saved over time). I want to chalk out a project to attend to this. Recently Raja Sen tweeted that he allotted 2 hours every Saturday every week to devour the pocket feed. I think I'll take inspiration from him.

9. Blog posts update - 3 posts from the Europe trip, 2 from the Himalayan trek trip and countless other drafts remain untouched.

I don't want to list anything more because this is making me feel like a loser! But sharing this also makes me keep things in perspective. For eg. I really need to start utilizing my weekends more productively.

Thoughts - filtered through the sieve

Getting that itch to write a philosophical post. Maybe also because birthday was around the corner and I cannot help but make a list. Of thoughts, things and my musings.

Travel - I increasingly feel that I live in a silo. I read only particular books (despite the efforts to include writers from different ethnicity, backgrounds, countries, languages, genres in my reading list). I watch only a section of movies that are released each year, which are mostly filtered down to me through big time film enthusiasts I follow on twitter. I consume 0 news or related media. Whatever 1-2% I consume is mostly again a filtered stream and aggregation of people I follow on social media. On a regular basis I 'hang' with people from a particular strata. Even my closest friends are from similar societal, financial backgrounds. Of course we speak different languages and grew up in different parts of the world. But you know what I mean, right ?

better things lie beyond open doors?

The only exception to this is when I am traveling, despite my propensity to hate it. It flattens the world and exposes me to people, weather, cultures I would have otherwise imagined while reading a book or never given a thought to. Whether its meeting a 60 year old dancer on the train to Salzburg and noting down her recommendations for the city. Or, listening to a middle aged Marathi kaku (aunty) who manages her home, farm and a resort while serving and taking care of her guests. Travel has made me connect with people at a very different level. This has not had an impact on me as a person. I think. Yet. But it has been educational. 2016 has been exceptionally good  to me in terms of travel. I hope the trend continues. With respect to finding time to travel and the means to make it happen in the material world, where money is required. Which brings me to the next thing on my mind.

Time and wait - All through my 20s I struggled with being patient for something and then not being patient for the same thing. At times I chose to be patient for the wrong reasons and things never worked out. At times it worked out really well. But what I have learned over the years is, waiting is hardly a good strategy. Few things for eg. progressing in a career, becoming fit enough for running a marathon in under 5 hours or even finding the right person to spend your life with take time. But the preparation for them usually starts in the now. Earlier this year, I ran a marathon. I was not there physically when I registered for the race. Mentally I just felt like I could be there. Post 4 months of grueling and dedicated training, I arrived at the same conclusion. I was mentally there. Physically being there was going to be a long journey. One would rather argue that why go through all the pain if I knew this already. But that's not the point. My point is if I had not started I would not have known what it takes and whether I am willing to do it. Knowing by trying something out rather than waiting has felt rewarding to me. Taking that leap and traveling to places without worrying much about planning and money has made me really good with my expenses and account keeping. I have faltered at times, but mostly I have learned. I have become more thoughtful. Which brings me to the next thing on my mind.

Being Conscious - Over the last few years I have questioned a lot of choices I make, whether it comes to the food I eat, clothes I wear, luxuries I seek etc. etc. and the decisions I make. It has made me conscious of the impact my decisions end up having, not only on me, but people close to me, my surroundings, my environment, my home etc etc. I am still learning to not do a lot of things on auto pilot. Rather think through even the smallest of decisions. It is a lot of work at times. But I am glad I have chosen this path. It has led me to declutter my life, and my physical spaces. I still am guilty of hoarding a few material possessions, but largely I am moving toward a lifestyle of less. And the less I need or feel the need for the more I feel the following.

Gratitude - I have wondered about this state of being grateful for a long time. I have even tried to write about it. On some days I have absolutely nothing. But lately, on most days, I find myself fascinated, curious and largely amazed by what the world has to offer. Even on hopeless days, when things feel like they are falling apart. It still is not an organic reaction or a part of me. But I am increasingly grateful. It has gone beyond just the people, work, choices in my life. It is more than that. Coming from a place I still cannot describe or put a finger on. But I am grateful.

May be what you seek, really, is seeking you?

Detour

I want to take a break from the travel reporting and reflect on my state of my mind, when I am traveling. 

I like being out. Out in the nature > out with people or in public, crowded spots. I do like taking breaks, reading books, doing nothing. I also like work. The work I do which keeps me engaged and occupied. But I am also deeply imperfect and human. In the obsession of trying to keep everything balanced, I at times lose clarity. Things lose their balance and it becomes imperative to just pack my bags and go away.

'Go away', I did. Leaving tons of office work unattended and personal life hanging. Even though this trip was planned and I understood at some level, that I needed heck deserved this break, my mind kept wandering to unwanted territories. Paglet had warned me about the obsession with checking work emails. I had obliged by enabling 'manual' updates. Not proud to report that until I reached Amsterdam, I was regularly 'manually' fetching all emails and reading them. FOMO anyone ?

As things went south in Amsterdam (with our health), the FOMO gradually went away. It got replaced by a longing to be home. Who wants to be home, one week into their trip ? That would be me.

I had read a line somewhere (I think here), that, 'I travel or I go away, so that I can come back.' Come back where ? I think I got my answers in the next 10 days, in the next leg of the trip.

Listicle

• 6 months being a vegetarian! yay! This was my long term life goal. And I am glad I could embrace it in my early thirties. Slightly inspired by Scott Jurek's lifestyle change and a lot more about trying to have minimal impact on nature and my surroundings. I know this sounds totally absurd, at least in my head, but believe me the more I think about it, the more I know I made the right choice. I have 0 cravings for chicken or any meat items. Initially I used to consciously tell myself to not gravitate towards the shrimps or the fish or the chicken. This was mere habit and did not take me long to change it. Another disclaimer : I am still eating eggs once in a while. Its because its easier to prepare eggs during travels and also easiest source of protein. Slowly I'll get there i.e. being a complete vegetarian. Next step in this journey : Growing my own veggies and food.

• My past few years' reading pattern suggests that I read non fiction just to add variety to my book lists. My personal grudge with non fiction is its boring most of the time. And I pick up a book only if its been recommended by someone I trust highly or getting rave reviews. This year I am trying to change that consciously. I have read 4 non fiction books till now (yay!) and none of them put me to sleep. I enjoyed each one of them. Needless to say they were really informative and at places inspiring. In fact the next 2 books in line are non fiction as well. I have put off some novels I wanted to read on the back burner since April. Talk about change.

• Recently I visited Las Vegas for a conference. I was least excited about being in the city. As expected I did not enjoy it one bit and was glad that I was there for work. This also saved me the trouble of writing a travel post. Although the only touristy advice I have is, do try the unlimited brunch/breakfast options at one of the casinos. We tried the one at Ceasar's palace and loved the variety of food.

• 6 months into this year and I have not registered for any running race. I am doing pretty good on the 'don't be so hard on yourself' pact I made with myself. My routine includes pretty much easy runs. And its unbelievable that I trained and ran 42 kms 5 months ago. Hence I like running. Its so humbling. Do the same thing over and over again. The moment you feel like you have arrived, you are back to being a novice.

The extra day

One of those rare occasions when I am home on 29th February. I am jet lagged from a recent trans-atlantic flight and needed a day off from office to regain my senses. I spent the morning watching the Oscars. I was not rooting for anyone particular but it warmed my heart to see spotlight, mad max fury road and Brie Larson and Leonardo Di Caprio win. Then a friend reminded be of this being an extra day in 4 years and I knew what I wanted to do.

I have been trying to write and gather my thoughts about a lot of things. For a while. But I have usual suspects of work and more work and travel and more travel keeping me off track. So I'll try to streamline my thoughts on this extra day, offered to calendar following humans every 4 years.

I'll start with spotlight. Movies based on journalism are always tricky. Not just from subject matter perspective but how journalism is viewed in society in its current form. We are in an era when reporting concepts and mediums have changed. So to be presented with a piece of investigative journalism done right, feels almost surreal. The journalists in the team do a very drudge job, of actually going through records and records of information, line by line; interviewing individuals one at a time; collecting and arranging all the facts and joining the dots; and making a legal, legitimate case aimed at attacking the institution while protecting the individuals. I think this is how un-glamorous most real jobs are. Nothing but individuals working hard and slogging. I found that very relevant and powerful in our times of sensationalism.

'To kill a mocking bird' is one of my most favorite books. It still shapes a lot of my world view. I love Atticus. I was so saddened by Harper Lee's death few weeks ago. I have a list of people (people I know but who don't know me) I would like to thank and she was on my list for creating the book. I cannot imagine I would not get to do this. So here I am trying to say thank you.
My favorite Atticus quote :

"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what."

I have not run a single mile since the marathon last month. I am trying to take a break and rest and recover. Until now I have succeeded. May be I can even write a separate post about how to take and enjoy down time. I have not woken up at ungodly hours just to complete a run. I am eating whatever I want, whenever I want i.e. without worrying about the run next day. I am also staying up late whenever I feel like especially if I want to get some reading done or watch a late night movie. Still, I miss waking up early and not having a routine. Alas. And I am glad for that because from tomorrow new running year kick starts! Yay!

I met my grad school roommate last week after 5 years. At first I was excited but as the lunch progressed I started to feel uncomfortable. I dint know what I had anticipated, but as it happens with me on most social interactions I ended up feeling confused. I mean it was great to catch up and all, but I realized we dint have much to talk about. We did end up talking about women in engineering though and lamenting on the fact that at most meetings, trainings and conferences, we are the 'only' or 'among the only few' women. Of course we both agreed this did not impact how we were treated. But we agreed there is also a large age gap and how at times it becomes very difficult to let go of the gender i.e. 'I am the only woman here, are they taking me seriously' doubt. Uh well, not all social interactions are weird. I'll end with saying that I am glad for this part of the conversation that we met.

For posterity's sake I am going to document this. I had a close shave with a tornado last week. We were driving from Richmond to Lynchburg in Virginia for a work meeting, when the weather app on my colleague's iPhone gave an alert of a tornado half an hour away. He checked the weather map and as a precaution we decided to wait in a parking lot in a town called Farmville. Yes, I am not making this up. So after 20 minutes of waiting we started driving again. On our way we witnessed snapped trees, shattered and broken roofs of houses. Thanking the weather app and the smart phone we made it to the hotel. The next day we got to know that the tornado had a 8 mile radius, disrupted electricity in the nearby area and had taken 4 lives. Wow! I am only thankful I did not decide to drive on my own that day, because I am pretty sure I would have driven into the tornado, without any weather app on my phone to warn me, in time.

What I am grateful for

I hate to make this a bullet list. But I love lists. So I'll make one anyway. Bullets or no bullets.

Wonderful work colleagues. I was working with a person double my age for the past 3 weeks. I am not including the age factor for a comparison but as a perspective. When I told him on Diwali evening (he was already sad for me that I had to be away from family, working instead) that I had to go for 2 dinners and would leave office early, and be not available for 3-4 hours (we were working on something very crucial), he seemed ok. He not only let me be but did not bother me with any emails or texts. Now I know this is supposed to a norm in professional work culture etc etc. But on that Diwali away from home, I just felt his gesture to be super nice and felt immensely grateful for wonderful people around.
On other note, despite having worked in the same domain for such a long time, I did not find him to be complacent. He was meticulous in everything he did, prepared for a customer presentation like a first timer for hours together, making sure the story fell in place, involving me in all discussions and decisions. I guess learning never ceases.
He is also an accomplished photographer with 47 years of photography work behind him. He takes photography classes in spare time and has even had his work exhibited, and without even doing a humble brag. 

Friends who remember little things about you or your life and dont forget to remind you :) I love you A and R and what would I do without you!

Movie gems like 'me and earl and the dying girl' on long haul, never ending flights. Some of the best writing and direction seen for a coming of age drama. Also, how I miss reading what Ebert uncle would have written about this movie.

Second chances life gives with some people. Sometimes, people are not the email conversations you have with them. When you meet the 'real' people you realize there is no dearth of niceness around. I find this especially reassuring given the troubled times we are in, when its easier to judge someone than getting to know the real person.

Default settings

These days I find myself making a lot of decisions of choosing between reacting or responding to a situation. I was surprised to find out, after so many years of trying to teach myself, that my default setting still is 'choosing to react'. Since it is easier to react, makes life harder. And I used to wonder I am moving towards this more self aware state of being, where I know what I am doing. Apparently, I do not. Still.

A close friend, pointed out a few things I do wrong, the other day. Believe me, if it wasn't KT, I would have conveniently reacted, thrown a fit how people are stupid and walked off. Since it was KT, I paused. I have been feeling bogged down by a lot of things in life lately, so what she said made even more sense. Maybe it was the trigger I needed. I started noticing patterns in my own behavior, how I was choosing the easier path of reacting to situations over and over again. Simply because it gave me more time to focus on other things. Little did I realize that it was becoming a part of my system.

Lately 'I don't have time' has been my standard reaction to a lot of people. After the quiet conversation over whatsapp with KT, I decided to refocus. I spent the day working from home. I made myself 4-5 cups of tea over the day, I took a nap, started reading a book, called up few friends and talked for hours and tried to not be shaped by my defaults.

Have I changed to 'not default' setting ? No. I would still prefer to judge some people without trying to understand where they are coming from. But I would know why I am doing that. And maybe someday go back to it and change my default stance. And as for making responsiveness my default, I guess it will always be work in progress. There but never quite there.

We the people - Part deux

Growing up in Nagpur, after father's (baba) office on Fridays going to watch Amitabh Bachchan movies at a nearby theater was our definition of family outings. Baba is an AB fan. I also get my movies love from him. Watching movies was never considered as an immoral thing in my household. Of course my book lover aai's lineage would not agree with this (She still struggles to sit still in a 3 hour long movie, so making her watch a movie at home is a task!). But watching movies was the only alone time my parents would get in a joint family. I think that's very romantic. And I think that's why aai also learnt to survive films :)

So baba would buy us all sorts of snacks, hot samosas, popcorns, ice creams after movies during these outings. These escapades meant no restrictions. Now that I think of some of the terrible movies we have watched this way, I can't help but laugh it off. (Maybe that's the reason I am also very selective with what movies I watch nowadays).

Over time these outings became fewer. Someone was in 10th, someone had some other exam, or not enough AB movies were releasing. Baba had already educated us enough on hindi/english films to raise our expectations and become choosy. Also it started becoming more and more difficult to convince baba to watch a non AB movie. Aai would not mind this change anyway. Going out for movies with friends became the cool thing to do. Brother and I eventually moved out of home for studies/work.

The last time we four went out for a movie was the 3+ hour long Lagaan. Having cricket as the central theme helped us convince baba to accompany us, A pro-independence drama was reason enough for aai to agree. Easy peasy. We loved the film and were hooting and cheering by the end of it. (my dislike for Amir Khan notwithstanding). 

It took us 14 years and a wedding and thus an induction of a new family member, to watch another movie in a theater.  Last week all 5 of us agreed to go for Piku. It was a Sunday. From booking the tickets beforehand to getting parents to the screen before time felt like such an achievement. The film was thoughtful, fun, and a laughter riot. I almost felt a tinge of satisfaction seeing the parents love the movie. In a span of 25 years the idea is still the same. Of spending time together. Of being home.

And did I mention Amitabh Bacchan ? :)

Small world

I am wary of cliches. I love some of them, but some of them I really really dont like. And for some I have not made up my mind yet. 'The world is small' is one of those such things, which happens to other people. I always marvel at stories told by people around me about how they found someone after so many years and how it felt wonderful. Personally I feel cramped by the idea of a small world, where everyone knows everyone through someone. I like the idea of a connected world, but I like my space as well. I mean I am fine without the need of knowing everyone. Am I making any sense ?

So during my recent travels I went to a friend's wedding in Austin. During a friends and family get together I overheard an uncle sitting across from me talking about my hometown. Of course I got interested and when chance came upon, told him that I was also from the same city. One thing led to another and soon we figured out that the said uncle and I went to the same school. Separated by a span of 25 years. Isnt that cool! Then we started talking about school experiences and teachers. To everyone's amazement we shared the same teachers! 2-3 to be specific, but the teachers who had just joined school were on the brink of retirement when I graduated high school. This story started making the rounds in the entire gathering and soon we were excitedly telling everyone how cool this was! 
I somehow felt more at ease and comfort for the next 2 days of the wedding. I also met them again in California where they actually lived and I was visiting for work. They were super nice and treated me with great home food and another gathering of people of my hometown. I liked experiencing this cliche of a small world. Travel does open you up to things you thought you were not prepared for. The joy of meeting someone 25 years your senior and still talk about some of your favorite growing up moments is one such thing!

Life post three oh

• I no longer forget the year has changed. I have been putting the correct date on paper wherever required since Jan 1st. Although I am sure this is not a 30 effect. Its more of a becoming a person who is present here and now.

• The level of annoyance I used to experience when younger people around me used to play typically crass songs 3 years ago < the level of annoyance in general for any kind of music these days. I attribute it to being surrounded by younger people (in age of course). Also I am consciously choosing not to be a snob but enjoy everyone's choice or absence of any when it comes to music.

• I watched birdman and was thoroughly moved. Talking about the movie in any manner is a moot point but I could relate with the older actor's struggle to be not mediocre. I think we all go through it at some point or the other. These days I feel particularly grateful for being surrounded by people who are not mediocre, in their work, love, life, food, relationships, ideas of fun. I think you eventually do learn what matters to you and hence you try not to suck at it.

• There is so much amount of information available today, good, bad, negative, speculative, truly useful, bullshit, humor in news, funny videos, movies, songs, books to anything and everything. I no longer find the need to know/understand everything. I think I am happy with my evolution to this state. I can consciously make the choice about what content to consume and be happy with my limited consumption. For eg. I don't need to watch every funny video out there, or know every trending news/hashtag out there.

• I no longer dread keeping/maintaining an expense sheet. Earlier when I was a few years younger, the arrogance of keeping it all sorted out in my head and not on any kind of paper/online resource, made much sense. Now I feel its just one less overhead. My expense sheet might not be the most pretty to look at but it has information which makes sense to me. And for now I am happy I at least evolved to this level of maturity when it comes to keeping a tab on expenses.

• After systematic planning of finances over the past 3 years I have reduced my debt index by a large amount. My credit card balances are in check. So much that I willingly closed one credit card service. I only have 2 major debts remaining now. The student loan will last a bit longer, but I do have a plan for it now. I am slightly proud and a whole lot glad that I have reached this position from the mess I was in where I have lesser financial worries. (Talking about one's financial life is not so easy and I plan to do a detailed story once I am debt free.)

• I have also accepted my sense of clothing and fashion, which is easy going. So despite my body type being thin and athletic, I go for clothes which are loose, have flow, and are comfortable. I was never into body hugging clothes. So despite my physique being perfectly suitable for those, I have accepted to disappoint everyone who thinks my clothes choices are too boring. I'll go with boring as long as it lets me breath and helps me being myself.

Wandering heart

That sometimes has been my problem.
Specially when I am in some other country. Other place.
I am there and I cannot completely be there.
13 days into this trip, I am already missing my food, my people, my friends.
Its like parts of me are missing.
And they show up at random street corners here, during my daily run in the cemetery, while nibbling on takeout chinese food.
I like my independence of checking in and out of hotels at any time and ability to drive around on whims. I do like this country.
But inside me remains a deep craving for the known and familiar. 
Every unknown adventure here feels empty and forced.
The land of opportunities feels like a land wasted on me.
My 'abandonment anxiety'* type personality wakes up at ungodly hours to check my phone, to look outside if its sunrise yet.
When I am here, my heart wanders to a place I have come to call home. 
Though I argue with the security guards there all the time.
Back in Aundh. 

* A term I learnt recently from a beloved writer. And which I think suits me too well.

shifting wifting haaye rabba

• You start packing your stuff. You stumble across stuff you never knew existed. You label boxes. Make a note to use things which you still dont want to throw away. You throw away some stuff willingly. With some stuff you are just reluctant to let go. For eg. the beautiful glass bottles you collected to plant trees in. But never did anything with them for the past gazillion years, because well you never thought you would leave the house. 

       I am sure everyone goes through this cycle.

• You start loading your stuff in the movers' truck. And the helper guy says 'Madam kitna samaan hai' (Madam, how much stuff you have!) and you lose it. I mean you spend an entire day packing those boxes neatly, by compartmentalizing and arranging stuff and labeling the boxes. So instead of rewarding your OCD with a compliment, the guy tells you that you have too much stuff! You start plotting revenge on the helper guy.

• You get the house you are moving into cleaned well before the actual move. That exercise gives you a brief lesson in how the new house is different from the place you have got used to calling your home for the past n years. That I think is the perk of living in rented houses. Each house offers something different and annoying. Which then becomes a matter of getting used to.

• Everything has now been shifted to the new place. You are now in that terrifying zone when you have to unpack just enough stuff so that its sufficient to get you by for the shifting night/day and enough so that if you want to arrange stuff, getting that out will not hurt the larger scheme of things like the final arrangement of unpacked stuff. 

• You take one last shower in the old house post all the shifting drama and hassles. The accumulated dust* in your lungs and on your body/clothes doesn't want to let go. If you have allergies like I do, every sneeze takes you closer to that dreaded cold where your nose becomes waterworks incorporated. You realize while taking shower that you are going to miss this home. This washroom. The tiles. The arrangement of soap cases. The tiny cohabitants like the spiders** in the remote nook of the wall, where its impossible to get a mop given your height constraints. (which is why you never really bothered to move the spider family out). You cry a little. Because water washes away water.

• You want to keep going to the house so a part of your packing OCD struck brain subconsciously lets you not pack everything in one go. You keep some trinkets. Important enough to not letting go. But just enough for another round the next day. You clean it for the next tenants. You want them to treat it the way you did.  The house is now empty during your next visit. You soak it in. That's the emptiness inside your mind. You let it go.

• You still cannot sleep in the new house in spite of the same bed, mattress, bed sheets, pillows, lights, books. The mind still longs for comfort zone. You know its going to take some getting used to.

Do you also go through all this and more while packing and moving ?
* Dust is an integral part of your life if you live in India.
** so are spiders inside your home!

Pune run beyond myself - half marathon

Pune running is an active bunch of amateur runners in Pune city. PRBM (pune run beyond myself) is the flagship charity event organized by this group along the lovely route of NCL/Pashan/Bavdhan (if you know your bearings around Pune you will know what I mean).

After the hyderabad running nightmare I really wanted to run a half marathon to gauge the improvement in my running stamina and form. So I signed up for the half marathon at PRBM (which my trainers at running potential did not approve of!). Reluctantly I resumed the training routine. Running 4 times a week with a comparatively longer run a week before the actual run. I even started developing a cold feet a week before the run. 21.1 km started feeling like a ridiculously long distance to be run by anyone. (Full Marathoners I respect thee!)

With all these background activities going on in my head, race day arrived. This was exactly 48 days after the Hyderabad run. The pleasant Satara Hill run had assuaged the running blerch a bit. But there were still doubts in my head. I wanted to validate my own beliefs.
Like a kid getting nervous before her first stage appearance, I started feeling jittery before the run. A point came when I could hardly contain my excitement so I made myself watch the tragic Anna Karenina. That did help! 

So race day arrived. And if you like me get excited about racing events like school exams, you would know the emotions. I was ready with warm up at 5.15 am (race was to start at 6am). But despite that I reached the start point late ie around 5.45 am and made a dash for the start line. Thankfully I caught sight of  the 2.30 hour pacer and I snuck behind his bus.

My strategy for this run was to stick with the 2.30 hour bus for the most part and try to finish the HM under that. My earlier HM timings were more than that so it was a huge task in my head. The gun went off at 6 am sharp and I slowly made it out of the crowded beginning section of the route. 600 meters into the route and the 2.30 hour pacer started walking. I had not confirmed his race strategy earlier, so this run-walk routine came as a big disappointment to me. It became clear to me that I had to run the race with my own bus at my own pace and just try to be ahead of the 2.30 hour bus all the time.

With this little improvisation I got my mind back into the race. The earlier part of the route was uphill so my slow but constant pace helped. I ran with a pace of 6.45-7 mins/km during the first 5 km, having crossed the 5km mark at 35 minutes. This is when part deux of my strategy came to the fore. I took my first water break for exactly 30 seconds, where I kept on walking sipping 200 ml of water. My next water break of 30 seconds came after the 7 km mark. Next 20 second electrolyte solution break came past the 10.5 km mark. And so on. The return route was quite downhill and the weather was perfect for a long run. Of course the sun had started shining down on us by the time we started our journey back to the start point. But it all felt like good sun god behavior. Post the 15 km mark, my urge to take more and longer water breaks started creeping in. This is when the real test began. I managed to cross the 18 km mark under 2 hours and gave myself a treat by taking a 1 minute long walking water break. With only 3 kms to go, I knew I could achieve that elusive timing. 

But these 3 kms were not a breeze as my over imaginative brain had pictured. I took another walk break on a quite uphill part and totally lost track of time. It was only when I saw people behind me overtake me, that the competitive person in me awakened. I started running with all my heart (literally, you should have seen me panting :P) and finished the race in 2 hours 24 minutes and 30 seconds.

This is my personal best timing after having run 3 half marathons. I have realized, the only way to get over a bad race (or run) is to run another race.

Until SCMM in January then!

Conflicting worlds

Prachi and Pooja are from middle class families. Well educated families. Pooja's father did not want a daughter hence her mother took a stand and raised her by herself. Prachi, daughter of a principled man with anger issues, thinks its her father's right to physically punish her for the sole reason that he let her live as she is a product brought into this world by her parents.
Pooja is a beauty contest winner. Prachi is part of a hindutva movement, where they teach girls how to defend oneself and take up weapons.
Both are in their 20s. Both want their life to be meaningful, both want to do something.

There is huge irony here. Their worlds are paradoxes. These are the subjects of the brilliant and thought provoking documentary by Nisha Pahuja, 'The world before her', which explores what it means to be a 21st century Indian woman.

Some of the things that these girls said have left me dumbfounded and searching for answers. I try to see myself in these women. I am there, when a girl says she wants to make something out of this life. I am in the dreams, hopes, fears and passions of these girls. These are rational girls who know what they are choosing.
We are similar yet so different. So many belief systems, so many ideologies. The dichotomy in our existence and how it converges and yet gives life an altogether different meaning, is what's troubling me the most. 
For the outside world, Prachi will remain a could be fanatic in a movement branded as extremist, Pooja another superficial, pretty face making use of her beauty. But in the 21st century do these perceptions matter ? Or is it more about individuality ? 

In a deeply patriarchal society like India, where girls have opened up to education, avenues of income to become financially independent, how necessary is it to uphold our ancient roots? Some very valid and profound questions surface out of this conflict. And that is the reason I highly recommend you to watch this remarkable documentary.

Because she wants to be a part of the world before her, shape it and make it. 

Unlearning

With growing old sometimes comes the feeling that you understand life in much better sense. Of course if you are a person who likes to have filters in place and constantly seeks clarity. You are thankful for a lot of things that have happened and helped you grow. And at times you are just forgetful enough to forget how it is to be a teenager. 

Specially a teenager surrounded by constant competition, expectations and general 'dont have a clue about future or life but parents and friends are into this, so I am also into this' thought process. Recently a 17yo nephew was visiting us for some exam preparation classes which the city I live in is believed to have some of the best. Initially I was totally peeved by his sharp and critical demeanor. That initial phase lasted the 3 weeks he stayed with us. Yes, sometimes I am an excruciatingly slow adopter. Almost everyday we got into some kind of argument (behes in his sweet MP hindi) about a physics problem (sometimes random life funda) and my lack of remembering anything except for the concepts. I who's raised by teachers who believed in the power of clear concepts was somewhere happy believing it was a good sign that I did not remember the actual formulae but knew my stuff. I was proud even. But this did not impress the kid. He kept on questioning my entire life and so called engineering education. I was more annoyed and more intrigued. Intrigued cos how was all the grown up stuff I mentioned at the beginning not helping me see that this is what it feels to be a teenager. Over the 3 weeks, eventually he stopped asking me much physics questions and we spent time discussing how life in US is where he aspires to go for studies. 

I began to realize though, there is so much I need to unlearn to be able to continue to learn. Whichever species evolves, evolves because it is able to unlearn. Shed old knowledge and constantly gain new. I am seriously questioning people who say knowledge is power and stuff like that. I wonder if they are talking about knowledge acquired through unlearning.

such cool things in life..

I read/watch/experience stuff which evokes different feelings and turn to the blog to share them and somehow the day never arrives when I get a sense of having accomplished writing down my own thoughts. Today probably is that day.

Anyway, I remember writing about rescuing oneself and agreeing to give up on the 'steadfastness' once the right person is found to let them rescue you. Luckily while I was trying myself I found the right bunch of people who did help 'save me'. Funny how you always get what you need :)

On a totally unrelated note I am happy for Kangana Ranaut. I really am. I know she would not care. I loved her movie Queen. And if you have not watched it already, you need to go NOW.

Pune has the most unexpected surprises if you love nature. Like this sunset I get to witness everyday as my cab passes over a flyover. I look forward to this time of the day just to take it all in.

love my drive back from work!

This is the second month in succession where I have not read anything apart from study books. Out of desperation of having accomplished some kind of reading, I feel pretty lame to admit that yeah I read up few books on algorithms. Not usual spellbinding stuff but fun nonetheless.

Dancing is fun. Zumba or not. Paglet is so passionate with it, that she can make even sticks like me dance.

Whatchu up to? Whatchu doing?

Believing in the younger generation

I got a very kind and talkative Afghani uncle for my cab ride to the airport yesterday.
Because he had lived in Delhi for an year and had visited Goa, Kashmir, Taj Mahal, he had a lot of travel tales to tell. I told him Afghanistan seems like a very beautiful country based on the few books that I have read. He then confessed about having not visited his country for the past 30 years and talks moved to the inevitable wars/unrest plaguing that region since the Russian invasion (when he had to leave Afghanistan leaving his school and father's business and a lot of extended family behind). He talked about not being able to travel to Peshavar (earlier a part of Afghanistan) without an ID and the pain it caused him. He told me how lucky I was to be able to live where I was born and still be able to travel. According to him that is the best of both worlds, because I confessed I somehow am a 'get-homesick-pretty-fast' kind of person.

He said even though he missed not getting to raise his kids in Afghanistan, he is happy that their upbringing has been so peaceful. He said he feels happy when he listens them talk about all things fun and not war or unrest. Of course we agreed a large share of that goes to the surroundings they were brought up in. He said he believes in the younger generation and the internet to be able to achieve what most political moves cannot. i.e. a culture of peace and belonging.

The thought itself is so heartening.
Sometimes its so wonderful to be able to listen to sensible and wise people.

Working from home

A scam.

I ate 7 times today.

Scavanged the refrigerator for all left overs and finished them or disposed them neatly.

Small talked with house maid. 

Drank 4 cups of tea. A liter of orange juice.

I also sneaked in an episode of 'the newsroom' during the day.

I viber-ed with friends.

I cursed the slow internet speed. Imaginary throwing bricks at laptop also happened.

I ended up working till 10.30 PM. a 12 hour day.

Working from home - a real scam, when I am involved.