On being compassionate

Sometimes strange behavior of people (towards me) totally shifts my bearings.
But knowing that most of them have been around here for the same amount of time as me (27 something, maybe more, maybe less), makes me feel ok. It awakens a strange compassion inside me.


I hope that's the case with them too! :D


-nightflier

the way of grace and nature

meandering in the vastness
courtesy - google

The O'Brien's have lost a son. We will never know which, how and when (somewhere in the 1960's maybe). The gentle, forgiving, loving mother can't seek the why. She knows life should go on. When you lose someone the whys are the toughest to get an answer for. Such is the human condition. 


Loss is painful. Existence after experiencing loss feels even more so. Still, we always ask the why. We contemplate everything. Even existence.


And what Terrence Malick shows, through the most evocative imagery is a montage called life. In its most infinitesimal form, of a family in Texas. Of idyllic summers and graceful family values and upbringing. He also shows us the evolution of the universe itself. He is trying to make sense of it all as well. There are no answers. Only life and the existence that we have got here. In whatever form it may be.


You weep after seeing the big bang, an opera-tic crescendo in the background. You are instantly transported to your own childhood, your own growing up period. And you know nothing is going to make sense. Because existence is like that.

courtesy - google

I am not as evolved as Mr. Malick, but if someday I do become that evolved, I hope my montage of existence looks like what he has shown for two hours and twelve minutes. Without any answers but still so real.


-nightflier

A.L.O.N.E. Time

Brother is off to Goa for some fun, so I decided to have the entire weekend to myself, and not meet many people. Unlike the past few weekends, where I have been constantly on the go, to catch up with visiting friends, moving away friends, school friends, etc etc. 


Guess what, its day 2 now that brother has gone and I am already bored. And he returns not until tomorrow evening. Sigh. :(


I have watched 4 movies in the past 2 days.
1. Crazy Stupid Love - iLiked! Because Ryan Gosling is so hot and Steve Carell is genuinely funny and Emma Stone is such a sweetheart. Perfect movie to lighten up!
2. Like Crazy - Amazing movie. But comes with a statutory warning (from me) - People (specially friends) who are away from their spouse or in a long distance relationship, it will be all right if you did not watch it. I was waterworks incorporated all.the.time. 
3. Inception - Well, I hadn't seen it again after watching it in the theater. And they were showing it on the TV. So watched again and bowed down in front of the TV. I think Mr. Nolan makes crazy movies.
4. Contagion - Gripping movie. Specially with its pretty authentic depiction of scientific medical methods. And what spooky background score.


Hey and I will be watching the english girl with the dragon tattoo in an hour. Post dinner.


I have also managed to read a lot of (300 pages) Pratispardhi (cuckold) by Kiran Nagarkar. I am hugely wowed. Historical fiction (?) and such deep characters and flawless writing. Win.
I am also bored of cooking for myself (and I tried 3 different dishes all right!!) and doing the winter laundry. 


And since I was kinda pepped up about having alone time, I very smartly (or stupidly?) told brother to not call much to check on me. And told parents to chill (yes I use that word. I sometimes feel like a teenager). I also very smartly (or stupidly?) turned down invites from friends to have dinner/lunch with them.


Brother please come back already (I know kind of selfish). Guess I am not ready for people-less weekends. :-/


-nightflier

Such is life..

my life at least...

the greatest venn diagram ever!!
copyright - nightflier

Sigh I suck at MS paint :(


-nightflier

Introspection

I read Pico Iyer's column which a friend forwarded and suddenly went into the introspective mode. The article and my findings are totally unrelated which is co-incidental.
(link here - http://www.deccanchronicle.com/editorial/op-ed/joy-quiet-659)


My findings filed in the report below (wow so *work-like*)
* The better part of my life till now has been about existential crisis. From realizing everyone goes through it at least once (if you haven't you are so awesome!) to knowing its ok to feel so to finally accepting it. That accounts for the 'being restless' part. And no it does not drive me crazy. But it does make most of the things around seem pointless. And hence I feel its quite amazing how I still find joy in some things I do. There must be a purpose to everything after all. Hmm.


* I like chatting/talking/having conversations with the same people more than I like meeting new people. Of course, I do like all the interesting stories new people have got to share and expand my horizons, but its the 'same people' in my life who keep me going. Having said that, I have to thank the internet for bringing me closer to people I might have never interacted with. You see, I *always* make space for people whom I genuinely like ;)


* Being genuine at what I say, what I do, what I feel, is slowly becoming the core of my existence. And I do receive a lot of brickbats for this. Because most of the times, I don't have any comment or reaction and then people say I have stopped caring! Which is mostly true for things which do not matter. One of them being why I need to *have coffee* or *meet* some people when I don't feel like it! (May be I do not see the point in it.) And having said this, I know I have to fulfill my grown up responsibilities. Which I do manage once in a while ;)
Occasional rants on the blog or to friends, make me rationalize this even further. It makes my stand about, living life to fulfill your own pointless purpose is above what people say or think about you, stronger. Specially not fake stupid expectations of people.


* I used to think till last year, that a balance between things would make life simpler. Trying to live the moment, of joy, happiness, despair, turmoil, doubt or satisfaction, comes closest to it. At least if one tries to do that with least expectation. Letting go is the simplest thing life has to offer. If not the most valued. Of course I think so.


* Getting immersed in a book and being conflicted, is the closest I have felt to being at peace. There was a phase when *doing nothing* was that thing. But you know how our worldly needs are :P
Also if I could, I would totally be a home-maker and be cool about it. Or totally move on to the himalayas and be literally cool with it.


* And as I recently pointed out to a friend, self preservation is a good way to live life. In a nonchalant way. Of course I also pointed out to him, I am not sure *why* but may be one day I would find it out. :D


* I love problem solving and challenges. A friend thinks I am nuts. But I just cannot not do anything if I see a problem and can do something about it. Sigh.


* and last-ly denying myself, the need to be me, is the most hopeless thing I have done to myself recently. But such things make you realize how much you need to be you. so #win


-nightflier


P.S. somehow, first week of new year being all about introspection gives one a happy feeling :D

The year in books

2011 was more or less the year of books for me!
And since I needed a challenge to keep going, I thought 'lets try to read 50 books this year'. Well, I finished 35 (honestly, I did not read last 30 pages of 'The Difficulty of being good'. Too much that book was!)


Here's a break down of the challenge, which I could not complete :D (this year onward, the challenge will be realistic :P)


Total books read - 35
Number of pages read - 12488
Top 5 books -   1. The book thief
                       2. Steve Jobs (biography)
                       3. Love in the time of cholera
                       4. The Pregnant King
                       5. Palace of Illusions and Storm of Swords
Honorable mentions - Open, The Time Traveler's wife, The wind up bird chronicle, The Hobbit, 100 years of solitude, the 4 hour workweek
Most boring read of the year (*drumroll*) - The difficulty of being good. Caused many headaches. too much!
The book which made me LOL a lot - God save the dork by Sidin
The book I badly wanted to finish but could not - Fooled by randomness by Nassim Taleb
Library reads - 6
Personal buys - 11
E-books - 4

being obsessive :D

I have a much lengthy and ever expanding reading list for this year.
Recos are always welcome!


The reading for this year has already begun.
Talk about being obsessive :D


Anywho, here's wishing y'all an year filled with peace, joy, fun, laughter and sunshine :)


-nightflier

warm tidings of december

N1 said very nonchalantly 'I always knew I was no good with academics beyond a limit, so I dropped out of the race and did something I could really cope with'. We beamed at her proudly. It takes rare self-awareness at a younger age to arrive at such decisions. Of course her family never objected because they must be the 'coolest parents' ever! 

N2 said very self aware-ly (at 27 also some people don't really have that!), 'I was a mess in college. Thank god for family and later getting away from home, to be on my own, I outdid myself and am in a much better shape.' Not that I agreed completely, but then she was so point blank honest, it was almost endearing!

I said, 'I have always been restless. I always need to find out whys, sometimes on my own. And I guess that is for now my 'calling'. Plus being good at studies in childhood, kind of shaped my decisions this way'. They seemed to agree.

Of course, we evaluate ourselves for fun. (remember how the whole is way bigger than the sum of parts and all that?) After spending eons of time in each other's company, not really growing up (or the other way round?) the candid and sometimes non sensical views on things/people, bring you together. Even if for a few hours. Bind you again, may be.

The most amusing thing is how non-insecure and compassionate everyone is. Questions/comments over one's hair/clothes/anything else as well evoke hearty laughs. We judge each other over our overt sense of no-dressing-sense during school. The dogs/cats in one's life at that point suddenly come into picture. And that stupid snob from school, who 'shows off' for no reason, rather every reason, is a point of conversation too! We almost exclaim, together, 'dude everyone has that/does that these days. What's the big deal!' From guys/husbands to the other woman (read his mother) in the husband/boyfriend 's life gets discussed. And how 'to each his own' needs to be the motto of the human race, echoes off the walls. 

In all this, the hotel manager can't really stand what good time we are having (despite the crates of food ordered) so rudely sends off the bill (very Puneri I tell you). We move on, find a coffee shop entirely forgetting that 2 of us have an office too! 'Lets eat something so that we dont get kicked out again' happens and dessert gets ordered. Of course 3 by 1 happens. Amidst more nonchalance towards office and winding up conversations with silly dialogues 'tu bilkul nahi badli' (you haven't changed a bit, when so much in you has actually changed!) and corny poses, the morning fades.

Warm tidings indeed!

Met school friends after a while, one after 5-6 years, the other after 2 months. Never been a nicer way to end an year (at least now that I know!). If I am allowed to be corny once more (other than the pics of course), they truly have seen the real me! :D

~nightflier