A list..

Of unfinished/unstarted/left in random state projects. Because Upasna who I am constantly in awe of wrote one with the most apt illustration.

1. Books - 9 physical books have piled up on my to read list. I don't know how/when I am going to arrive at them.

2. Photo memory project - I am not big on clicking pictures using phone or any other device. Recently with the addition of a new member to our family i.e. Baby M, I want to document picture memories. I have made a start on this project, but but but..

3. Website - This year my blog completes 10 years! Hence I want to convert into a digital real estate owner. Initial research is in, but rest of the pieces of the puzzle remain to be arranged.

4. Alarm clock - This is not a project per say, but a personal move away from smart phone alarm clock, I have been meaning to do. Call it laziness or sheer unwillingness to take time out of my schedule, I have been unable to buy one! I don't know what will happen to me. 

5. Home lighting project - I live in a rented apartment, but I have been wanting to change the lighting for quite some time. I have not found the time to do any research in this regard to even get started :(

6. Bullet journal - I skipped #bujo for 15 days of February - excuse travel and 15 days of March - excuse work.

7. Medal hanger - My running medals deserve a space of their own. I might just scrap this project and buy a hanger off amazon. #GettingThingsDone

8. Pocket reads - I have more than 100 unread links/articles in my pocket feed. I am a stickler for 0 inbox and that numbers keeps on gnawing at me. I know sane advice is to just delete the app and live a peaceful life. But I really want to read the stuff I have saved over months (I even remember what I have saved over time). I want to chalk out a project to attend to this. Recently Raja Sen tweeted that he allotted 2 hours every Saturday every week to devour the pocket feed. I think I'll take inspiration from him.

9. Blog posts update - 3 posts from the Europe trip, 2 from the Himalayan trek trip and countless other drafts remain untouched.

I don't want to list anything more because this is making me feel like a loser! But sharing this also makes me keep things in perspective. For eg. I really need to start utilizing my weekends more productively.

Things I learnt from 6 days in the mountains

• Baths/showers are for the weaklings. If you are from the drylands or plains (or cities) and want to live in the mountains, then, forget what a bath feels like. Because when you are up there freezing your exposed body parts, read toes and fingers (if not wearing socks or gloves. But why will you do that in December, I ask!) nose, cheeks, mouth, making water touch them will feel like saja-e-(thanda)-pani. As if drinking water to stay hydrated, as drilled into your brain by every trek co-ordinator, is not punishment enough. So lesson number 1 - Unlearn the notion of bathing. There's sun bathing for whatever time the sun shines and you can remove the n layers you are wearing, to expose that covered part of the arm or leg. If you had any other ideas then please go to the beach to sun-bathe.

• Wet wipes are the best thing to happen to trekker-kind after the evolutionary ability to breathe. In the high mountains you only hope to breathe fine as the air starts getting thinner by the day. The only other thing you should care about (if you belong to the cities and are not sure about maintaining hygiene in the mountains) is having/carrying enough wet wipes. This multi-purpose invention can be used to wipe your hands, face, clothes, unclean utensils or lunchboxes after an hearty meal, your rear or even the toilet seat made unworthy by previous user's shaky coco-peat pouring skills.

• Pee-buddies are the new best friends you could ask for. Imagine sleeping with 5 layers of clothing, inside a sleeping bag, inside a tent. Now imagine your bladder waking you up in the middle of the night. A pee-buddy in need is a buddy indeed. If someone can wake up at ungodly hours just to accompany you to the loo tent, then those people are special. Cherish them. Keep them close. Also, never lose sight of them. Literally.

• I was able to charge my smart-phone on the penultimate day, thanks to the kindness of a fellow power bank owner. When I called up home to the delight of my folks, the first question that got thrown at me was 'Have you had your food?'. Here I am telling aai (mom) about the beauty and adventure and the first thing she asks me is about food. I mean I am annoyed by this question 80% of the time. But at that point I was so glad that there was someone in this world who cared about my stomach being full at 9000+ feet. I cannot describe the joy I felt at telling her about all the different food I had eaten, not just on that day, but during the last 4 days. Moms are the bestest!

• Learn from the children when it comes to embracing the mountain life. None of the 3 kids (age 8, 10 and 11) on our trek ever complained about layering up, feeling cold, walking too much or being hungry. They were always excited when they started a day's trek. And the excitement did not wane when we reached the next campsite. With equal energy they would line up for stretches, chai, snacks, food and sleep! Kids = best things that happened to our trek group. (should actually thank their parents for bringing them along :D) 

• Lastly as our trek lead told us, you don't climb the mountains. The mountains let you climb. Specially the Himalayas. These inviting but rugged beings showed me the harsh and physical (literally) side of life. I learnt to respect my limits, my body and the mighty mountains.

Book Love 2016

Book Love 2015 here!
 
Starting to pen down this year's 'read' book list well in advance. Because I'll be in the mountains on new year's (mild show off) and don't want to fall behind on my yearly ritual. A slight change this year, is I am also going to put down the list of books I really want to get my hands on and start reading in 2017. In case you know me, you know what book gifts I would really appreciate! (needy much?)

So tah-dah!! Here are the books which made me go all aww, inspired me, made me contemplate, gave me hope, made me hopeless. I am only elaborating the great ones (according to me) i.e. the ones I felt connected with. The complete list with goodreads link at the end of the post. Let me know your personal favorites, I am always on the look out to expand my reading horizons. Without further ado:

1. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury - I had been wanting to read Ray Bradbury for quite some time. Judge me all you want, but I decided to wait 20+ years to get one Bradbury book in my hands. Earlier in August, I gifted F.451 to Pushkar (he is an avid reader and reads many interesting books). I promptly asked him to lend his copy once he was done reading. I also started reading this book on my birthday last month. Boy, was I delighted! The book is often dark and depressing, even devastating. But the hope in the last 15-20 pages is unmatched to fools and romantics alike. Also, to pack so much in mere 150-160 pages! Writing miracle.

2. On Writing by Stephen King - A memoir of the craft by Stephen King - Essential reading, if you write. Even those painfully tedious work emails (at times) or long facebook posts or tweets or letters or for fun. As much as it is personal, some of the most basic writing advice from a stern teacher like Mr. King leaves lasting impact. Also, he knows what he is talking about, because he has succeeded at this i.e. Writing. I still check, re-check, edit everything I write after having read the book. I also use some handy online tools, to make sure I avoid typos, common grammar mistakes (you are never too old or learned to make those).

3. The hard thing about hard things by Ben Horrowitz - My non-fiction reading list used to be abysmal until 2016. This year I pro-actively picked up books that seemed like 'not my forte'. This book was pretty easy-going and written in a matter of fact way. To top it off, my current work profile and the book's theme aligned. I not only understood a lot of scenarios he talked about, but could relate to some situations. Handy rule-book if you are in technology business.

4. Zen Garden by Milind Bokil - Only Marathi book I read this year. It was a compilation of short stories. Some of the short stories stayed with me for a long time. Simple, uncluttered and contemporary writing despite being thought-provoking.

5. Kafka on the shore by Haruki Murakami -I love Haruki Murakami's characters and writing. They are such a bundle of conflicts and melancholy. They are weird is such an under-statement. There are random music, literature references throughout this book. A library and a librarian of treasured works is at the center of the story. What more does a girl want!

6. My brilliant friend by Elena Farrante - OMG! Reading good original fiction which you can relate to feels so fulfilling. Elena Farrante's protagonists Lila and Elena are us. They are growing up in Naples, Italy. The trials and tribulations of their younger years and their friendship is the focus of this book, first in a 4 part series. If you dig good fiction then I highly recommend you read Farrante. Even though I read the translation and had a tough time remembering all the other characters' Italian names, I really liked the book. Her deep grasp on nuances of emotions moved me.

Moving on to the complete list of books I read!
Here's a picture from goodreads.

#WhatIReadIn2016

I already know what I am reading through January 2017.
Margaret Atwood's Bluebird's egg and other stories
Siddhartha Mukherjee's The Gene
Elena Farrante's The story of a new name (2nd in the series)

What about you ?

Thoughts - filtered through the sieve

Getting that itch to write a philosophical post. Maybe also because birthday was around the corner and I cannot help but make a list. Of thoughts, things and my musings.

Travel - I increasingly feel that I live in a silo. I read only particular books (despite the efforts to include writers from different ethnicity, backgrounds, countries, languages, genres in my reading list). I watch only a section of movies that are released each year, which are mostly filtered down to me through big time film enthusiasts I follow on twitter. I consume 0 news or related media. Whatever 1-2% I consume is mostly again a filtered stream and aggregation of people I follow on social media. On a regular basis I 'hang' with people from a particular strata. Even my closest friends are from similar societal, financial backgrounds. Of course we speak different languages and grew up in different parts of the world. But you know what I mean, right ?

better things lie beyond open doors?

The only exception to this is when I am traveling, despite my propensity to hate it. It flattens the world and exposes me to people, weather, cultures I would have otherwise imagined while reading a book or never given a thought to. Whether its meeting a 60 year old dancer on the train to Salzburg and noting down her recommendations for the city. Or, listening to a middle aged Marathi kaku (aunty) who manages her home, farm and a resort while serving and taking care of her guests. Travel has made me connect with people at a very different level. This has not had an impact on me as a person. I think. Yet. But it has been educational. 2016 has been exceptionally good  to me in terms of travel. I hope the trend continues. With respect to finding time to travel and the means to make it happen in the material world, where money is required. Which brings me to the next thing on my mind.

Time and wait - All through my 20s I struggled with being patient for something and then not being patient for the same thing. At times I chose to be patient for the wrong reasons and things never worked out. At times it worked out really well. But what I have learned over the years is, waiting is hardly a good strategy. Few things for eg. progressing in a career, becoming fit enough for running a marathon in under 5 hours or even finding the right person to spend your life with take time. But the preparation for them usually starts in the now. Earlier this year, I ran a marathon. I was not there physically when I registered for the race. Mentally I just felt like I could be there. Post 4 months of grueling and dedicated training, I arrived at the same conclusion. I was mentally there. Physically being there was going to be a long journey. One would rather argue that why go through all the pain if I knew this already. But that's not the point. My point is if I had not started I would not have known what it takes and whether I am willing to do it. Knowing by trying something out rather than waiting has felt rewarding to me. Taking that leap and traveling to places without worrying much about planning and money has made me really good with my expenses and account keeping. I have faltered at times, but mostly I have learned. I have become more thoughtful. Which brings me to the next thing on my mind.

Being Conscious - Over the last few years I have questioned a lot of choices I make, whether it comes to the food I eat, clothes I wear, luxuries I seek etc. etc. and the decisions I make. It has made me conscious of the impact my decisions end up having, not only on me, but people close to me, my surroundings, my environment, my home etc etc. I am still learning to not do a lot of things on auto pilot. Rather think through even the smallest of decisions. It is a lot of work at times. But I am glad I have chosen this path. It has led me to declutter my life, and my physical spaces. I still am guilty of hoarding a few material possessions, but largely I am moving toward a lifestyle of less. And the less I need or feel the need for the more I feel the following.

Gratitude - I have wondered about this state of being grateful for a long time. I have even tried to write about it. On some days I have absolutely nothing. But lately, on most days, I find myself fascinated, curious and largely amazed by what the world has to offer. Even on hopeless days, when things feel like they are falling apart. It still is not an organic reaction or a part of me. But I am increasingly grateful. It has gone beyond just the people, work, choices in my life. It is more than that. Coming from a place I still cannot describe or put a finger on. But I am grateful.

May be what you seek, really, is seeking you?

Baby H

Dear (baby) H,

I know you will not be a baby forever. One day you will grow up and read this and roll your eyes like your mother* does. And then you will laugh at this Mavshi of yours, an even louder laughter. I also fear you'll stop visiting me for my soppy attempt at trying to word what I felt when I first met you.

*Your mother the only goddess of sarcasm and baking I know. Your mother and I, whose friendship is now ancient.

You were an year old. An unbridled bundle of joy. The happiness you radiated when you threw your little hands around my neck, the safety you felt when I pretended to throw you towards the ceiling (a silly game humans play with their tiny offspring), still bring smiles and tears of warmth and joy to my eyes. The entire hour spent around you made me forget the burden of being a grown up.

my little money <3

A grown up who constantly worried about how can she be a part of your world, your mother's world. 
But there you were. More welcoming than my anxieties. 
My insecurity. Insecurity of how to fit in. To belong. 
But there you were. Laughing that innocent laugh of yours, giggling to yourself for no reason. Telling me you don't have to worry around me to belong. 

Come, be a part of my antics, you said. Outrun me just in time to save the kitchen utensils from an utter disaster. Those mischievous yet cherubic eyes of yours baiting me with your next great adventure. 

I still carry the smile you passed on to me that day. Imagining it would be a good idea to have you around all the time. And I started to hope for your mother to move nearer to me. You may have realized grown ups are selfish. Rightfully so, if the reward they get is spending time with you.

My next mission is to teach and introduce you to all the amazing fairy tales and harry potter and Carl Sagan (And you can confirm this when you read them). Of course I'll have to wait for a couple of years. Until then I'll make do with being a part of your adventures.

We the people - Part deux

Growing up in Nagpur, after father's (baba) office on Fridays going to watch Amitabh Bachchan movies at a nearby theater was our definition of family outings. Baba is an AB fan. I also get my movies love from him. Watching movies was never considered as an immoral thing in my household. Of course my book lover aai's lineage would not agree with this (She still struggles to sit still in a 3 hour long movie, so making her watch a movie at home is a task!). But watching movies was the only alone time my parents would get in a joint family. I think that's very romantic. And I think that's why aai also learnt to survive films :)

So baba would buy us all sorts of snacks, hot samosas, popcorns, ice creams after movies during these outings. These escapades meant no restrictions. Now that I think of some of the terrible movies we have watched this way, I can't help but laugh it off. (Maybe that's the reason I am also very selective with what movies I watch nowadays).

Over time these outings became fewer. Someone was in 10th, someone had some other exam, or not enough AB movies were releasing. Baba had already educated us enough on hindi/english films to raise our expectations and become choosy. Also it started becoming more and more difficult to convince baba to watch a non AB movie. Aai would not mind this change anyway. Going out for movies with friends became the cool thing to do. Brother and I eventually moved out of home for studies/work.

The last time we four went out for a movie was the 3+ hour long Lagaan. Having cricket as the central theme helped us convince baba to accompany us, A pro-independence drama was reason enough for aai to agree. Easy peasy. We loved the film and were hooting and cheering by the end of it. (my dislike for Amir Khan notwithstanding). 

It took us 14 years and a wedding and thus an induction of a new family member, to watch another movie in a theater.  Last week all 5 of us agreed to go for Piku. It was a Sunday. From booking the tickets beforehand to getting parents to the screen before time felt like such an achievement. The film was thoughtful, fun, and a laughter riot. I almost felt a tinge of satisfaction seeing the parents love the movie. In a span of 25 years the idea is still the same. Of spending time together. Of being home.

And did I mention Amitabh Bacchan ? :)

Small world

I am wary of cliches. I love some of them, but some of them I really really dont like. And for some I have not made up my mind yet. 'The world is small' is one of those such things, which happens to other people. I always marvel at stories told by people around me about how they found someone after so many years and how it felt wonderful. Personally I feel cramped by the idea of a small world, where everyone knows everyone through someone. I like the idea of a connected world, but I like my space as well. I mean I am fine without the need of knowing everyone. Am I making any sense ?

So during my recent travels I went to a friend's wedding in Austin. During a friends and family get together I overheard an uncle sitting across from me talking about my hometown. Of course I got interested and when chance came upon, told him that I was also from the same city. One thing led to another and soon we figured out that the said uncle and I went to the same school. Separated by a span of 25 years. Isnt that cool! Then we started talking about school experiences and teachers. To everyone's amazement we shared the same teachers! 2-3 to be specific, but the teachers who had just joined school were on the brink of retirement when I graduated high school. This story started making the rounds in the entire gathering and soon we were excitedly telling everyone how cool this was! 
I somehow felt more at ease and comfort for the next 2 days of the wedding. I also met them again in California where they actually lived and I was visiting for work. They were super nice and treated me with great home food and another gathering of people of my hometown. I liked experiencing this cliche of a small world. Travel does open you up to things you thought you were not prepared for. The joy of meeting someone 25 years your senior and still talk about some of your favorite growing up moments is one such thing!

Life post three oh

• I no longer forget the year has changed. I have been putting the correct date on paper wherever required since Jan 1st. Although I am sure this is not a 30 effect. Its more of a becoming a person who is present here and now.

• The level of annoyance I used to experience when younger people around me used to play typically crass songs 3 years ago < the level of annoyance in general for any kind of music these days. I attribute it to being surrounded by younger people (in age of course). Also I am consciously choosing not to be a snob but enjoy everyone's choice or absence of any when it comes to music.

• I watched birdman and was thoroughly moved. Talking about the movie in any manner is a moot point but I could relate with the older actor's struggle to be not mediocre. I think we all go through it at some point or the other. These days I feel particularly grateful for being surrounded by people who are not mediocre, in their work, love, life, food, relationships, ideas of fun. I think you eventually do learn what matters to you and hence you try not to suck at it.

• There is so much amount of information available today, good, bad, negative, speculative, truly useful, bullshit, humor in news, funny videos, movies, songs, books to anything and everything. I no longer find the need to know/understand everything. I think I am happy with my evolution to this state. I can consciously make the choice about what content to consume and be happy with my limited consumption. For eg. I don't need to watch every funny video out there, or know every trending news/hashtag out there.

• I no longer dread keeping/maintaining an expense sheet. Earlier when I was a few years younger, the arrogance of keeping it all sorted out in my head and not on any kind of paper/online resource, made much sense. Now I feel its just one less overhead. My expense sheet might not be the most pretty to look at but it has information which makes sense to me. And for now I am happy I at least evolved to this level of maturity when it comes to keeping a tab on expenses.

• After systematic planning of finances over the past 3 years I have reduced my debt index by a large amount. My credit card balances are in check. So much that I willingly closed one credit card service. I only have 2 major debts remaining now. The student loan will last a bit longer, but I do have a plan for it now. I am slightly proud and a whole lot glad that I have reached this position from the mess I was in where I have lesser financial worries. (Talking about one's financial life is not so easy and I plan to do a detailed story once I am debt free.)

• I have also accepted my sense of clothing and fashion, which is easy going. So despite my body type being thin and athletic, I go for clothes which are loose, have flow, and are comfortable. I was never into body hugging clothes. So despite my physique being perfectly suitable for those, I have accepted to disappoint everyone who thinks my clothes choices are too boring. I'll go with boring as long as it lets me breath and helps me being myself.

To my aaji

Kadhi is one of my favorite staple Indian foods. I remember chilly winter evenings in Chicago when I would only make kadhi and drink 4-5 cups of it. It gave me comfort. I learnt how to make kadhi from my aaji (mother's mother). I would always tell aai, how aaji makes the best kadhi in the world and aai could take tips from her. The honesty of childhood!

Aaji passed away about a month ago. It was not sudden, but it was expected. She was not keeping well for past two years. During every visit I, over the past 6 months, I could see the life waning out of her. But no one wants to prepare for such inevitable. No one wants to lose a part of their childhood.

I spent many summer holidays spending time at my grandmother's. With nothing much to do apart from reading books, I would often poke around in the kitchen. Trying to help her at times or learn things. She would be impressed by this curiosity and teach me things. But only if I behaved. The lady always needed her space. Specially when she was frying something in the kitchen. She considered it a bad omen to have anyone standing in the kitchen behind her, when she was frying things. She would always shoo us away. I used to compulsively annoy her with my presence. 

Over the years the house she lived in with my uncles and aunts changed. It was made bigger, with multiple stories added. People changed, they started living and cooking separately. Lives started being better but different. 

I am not sure how aaji, even for that matter aajoba (grandfather) took these changes. We always saw them being happy and contented. Their lives had always been shared. With big extended families. The idea of privacy and separate rooms must have been strange to them. But they accepted it gladly. That's what I feel. 

Because, whenever I visited aaji would still cook things for me. Over one such summer after my 10th standard examination, I told her I wanted to learn how to make chapatis. Aaji with all her heart taught me the magic was in the dough. Always. The better you knead it the better your chapatis would turn out to be. She would say, dont put pressure at the center while rolling the chapatis. Try to put it uniformly. And then the crucial part, how to roast them. She told me to cook one side longer than the other and roast the other side directly over flame. 

My aaji was the most curious person from her generation who I knew. She would read entire newspaper. Solve the puzzles and crosswords. Keep them ready for me when I asked for some entertainment. Tell us random bedtime stories. Let us pull her leg when we teased her how handsome her husband was. Listen to my translated version of harry potter.

These are my vivid memories of my aaji. Taking pride in my sillier achievements of roasting a chapati perfectly. Or hearing from aai about my kadhi adventures away from home. I am sure every grandparent must do the same.

Now we have a maid who makes chapatis at home. So I make chapatis rarely. I was telling a friend how aaji taught me the art and smiling. I am sure aaji must be proud. Still.

Unlearning

With growing old sometimes comes the feeling that you understand life in much better sense. Of course if you are a person who likes to have filters in place and constantly seeks clarity. You are thankful for a lot of things that have happened and helped you grow. And at times you are just forgetful enough to forget how it is to be a teenager. 

Specially a teenager surrounded by constant competition, expectations and general 'dont have a clue about future or life but parents and friends are into this, so I am also into this' thought process. Recently a 17yo nephew was visiting us for some exam preparation classes which the city I live in is believed to have some of the best. Initially I was totally peeved by his sharp and critical demeanor. That initial phase lasted the 3 weeks he stayed with us. Yes, sometimes I am an excruciatingly slow adopter. Almost everyday we got into some kind of argument (behes in his sweet MP hindi) about a physics problem (sometimes random life funda) and my lack of remembering anything except for the concepts. I who's raised by teachers who believed in the power of clear concepts was somewhere happy believing it was a good sign that I did not remember the actual formulae but knew my stuff. I was proud even. But this did not impress the kid. He kept on questioning my entire life and so called engineering education. I was more annoyed and more intrigued. Intrigued cos how was all the grown up stuff I mentioned at the beginning not helping me see that this is what it feels to be a teenager. Over the 3 weeks, eventually he stopped asking me much physics questions and we spent time discussing how life in US is where he aspires to go for studies. 

I began to realize though, there is so much I need to unlearn to be able to continue to learn. Whichever species evolves, evolves because it is able to unlearn. Shed old knowledge and constantly gain new. I am seriously questioning people who say knowledge is power and stuff like that. I wonder if they are talking about knowledge acquired through unlearning.

Name day and the jazz!

Couple of days back I inched closer to the big 30. here 1 inch = 1 year. Strangely I did not have the same old excitement and was more like let's get this day over with. Most of which I spent cooking and cleaning the home after the 2 month long stay away from it. Plus brother is here too! So add a dash of bickering and unexpected gifts, which made the birth day quite complete!

So I was thinking what I should do/plan after this milestone. May be for the sake of it ?
Continuing from the list I made sitting in central park, here's another list for myself.

1. Do not shy away (get bored) from meeting new people.
2. Travel to the secret list of countries you made.
3. Run. 
4. Contribute more to any task you take up.
5. Show up more than expected or usual.
6. Stand up for what you feel. Hold your ground.
7. Being cynical can wait a few more years. There are lots of nice people around. Stay away from the not nice ones. Simple.
8. If someone annoys you put them in the waiting list. If they continue to do so, no reservations!
9. Read. Read. Read. Complete the reading challenge at least this year, goddammit!!
10. Ask questions. Good questions.
11. If you cannot relate with your friends or what they say, nod your head. Nod some more. They will understand hopefully. 
12. New experiences and adventures. Create and share. Can never be enough of any of those!
13. Feel inspired. 
14. Recommend watching Avatar the last airbender (the cartoon) to everyone! (I finally watched thanks to KT and lee!)

A day before the birthday, I felt like getting depressed about the so many important things/people I do not have in life. But then I thought at least I have the brains and energy to tackle through most of the stuff. And when even that does not work, I am surrounded and supported by the most awesome bunch of people. Online and offline. So depression can wait. Hopefully.

And because its also thanksgiving, I think I can never be thankful enough for the above mentioned factors.

~nightflier

Earned distinction!

On a family reunion sunday afternoon, after hogging tons of amazing vegetarian food (kheer!), we sat in front of the tv, watching 'kati patang' anticipating siesta. Who will 'repose' or 'manufacture zzzz' sooner than the others was the topic of chatter over 'how much one ate beyond one's capacity'.  Until I noticed the carrom board lurking in the corner of the hall. No discussion was needed. Within minutes the setup was ready. Boric powder was thrown on the board, magic tricks of distracting the opponent were performed. I teamed up with uncle, whereas father and cousin, both champions in their 'hay' college days, formed the other team.


More magic tricks involving shadowing the board pockets, deliberately talking loudly when the opponent was concentrating, were performed. During all this I was kind of having trouble getting the right finger position to hit the striker. The pain of playing a childhood game after 12 years! I drove my uncle crazy, when he would advise me to hit a particular coin and I would by default do something equally random and particularly useless.


Uncle : beta, try to take that coin (pointing at it) from the corner circle.
nightflier : Yes trying.
(after few seconds of forced concentration and hitting the shot)
uncle : But, we are playing with black coins, not white!!!
everyone around : #facepalm


Then while surfing channels, and stumbling across Vishwatma on TV, waiting for Divya Bharti to start crooning 'saat samundar' I found the finger hold. I am the straight shot types. Baba having observed this, suddenly told everyone, 'that's how my father used to hold/hit the striker too!' There! I am the girl who holds/hits the striker like her grandfather. And grandfather passed away long time back. I don't really have any tangible memory of him.


So I am extremely happy and proud to have earned this 'distinction' with him! Next time I play carrom, will make sure to remember this, lest I forget.


~nightflier

Of brother and father

This is the form 16 season in India. Pardon me, if its way past. For me its still going on. 
* form 16 something like the W-2 receipts in the US. (I think)


The thing with me is I am not exactly Annie Hall. I know I just get super lazy with such stuff. Its inertia or some genetic hard wiring gone wrong. May be. So this year I happened to change jobs and hence went through the anxiety of a lot of paper work. In between, the wallet theft with almost all important ids happened. So more paper work. And to get all that done without baba's help was already feeling like an achievement to the child in me. (I cannot see myself totally grown up from their perspective.)


And then this new argument over why I haven't received rather asked for this form from previous employer. 
I was slightly amused to see my brother at the forefront of this fretting and arguing. I not only got a lecture as to why I should show some haste but also got told that the consequences of such lax in such kind of paper work is normally not good for one's financial health. 
Since baba retired officially from work, I have seen a gradual change in his 'letting go of control ways'. He doesn't pester us much about any such thing anymore. Few years back, I am sure it would have been he trying to tell me the importance of having all the documents in place. Now I think he is cool with us learning the lessons on our own or even not learning. :)


More assuring is how brother has taken his place and I can see someone who will make sure that I  am not careless with 'such important' stuff in life.


~nightflier

out of the comfort zone

Living with brother, the one thing in my life which changed a lot was 'time I spent cooking'. Well in India, getting maids for cooking is handy and reliable too!


So the previous 4 years habit of, when I was living on my own, working, studying and still finding out time to cook and eat healthy food changed gradually. Initially I would insist on making subji or some minor side dish, just out of a compulsion. It did take a really long time and lectures from brother, over 'how I eat really bland (read non spicy) food compared to him'. And then my cooking got reduced to weekends (specially for curries), further ahead only when the maid was on leave.


And its not that I did not like 'not cooking'. In a way I got more free time to do other things, read books, bring work at home (:P), watch tv etc etc.  But I did grab every opportunity to cook that came to me.

cooked italian style and later eaten with
loads of grated cheese!

So this past week and the coming week, the maid's on leave. I have been cooking evening meals since last Saturday. I have made bhindi, methi, palak, dosa, kadhi, khichdi, roti etc etc since then. And I am feeling comfortable in this new schedule. Packed end to end and stretching my daily limits. Looking forward to sweating it out in the kitchen. And I am sure once my mojo is totally back, I will try more fun stuff, the way I had gotten used to, as a student and working girl.  


The only dilemma is saying bye bye to the maid. I mean imagine I telling her, 'you cannot continue work with us because I really like the job you do. Of course having you around is a comfort, because that way I can bring work home, do random things. But miss out on some thing I really enjoy.' I am not sure how she would react to this. Not only this, but firing someone for no mistake of theirs is the second tough job I see here. 


Both tasks out of my comfort zone. And hence strangely attracted to them.


Of course we can get a new maid/ask old maid to come back, if all this extending zones takes a toll. But worth trying, right ?


~nightflier

Kissa of the hoarder

I am a page 3 hoarder.
If there was a contest, I would not only be the crowned queen, but also someone you take tips from. About hoarding.


What do I have in my wallet.
My very first traffic signal violation receipt (or ticket as they call in some countries).
My Imagine cup gift card. All out of cash, but still a worthy resident in that top slot of my wallet.
The USCIS EAD card. The very same which arrived late, lost me a dream job. In a side slot, just to remind me of stuff I am capable of. Like procrastination.
My school ID card.
Movie tickets of 'hey baby'.
Air India flight ticket from Mumbai-Chicago.
Stick notes written to myself.
My IEEE membership card.
3 band-aids.
2 toothpicks.
1 safety pin.


All safely tucked in slots, compartments.
Not that I look at all these everyday.


But I lost the wallet today. Or maybe someone stole it.
May be karma is telling me to let go.
Or universe will bring it back to me.


Whatever.


Of course 'it's just a wallet' you might think.


~nightflier

My profound moment of growing up - II

Pre-script: Loooooong wordy post!


The thing with some memories is once your mind enters their time zone, you have to write stuff down. Last night with an unwarranted power cut and trying to sleep to wake up earlier than usual, I went off to lala land. I was 14 then. Memories were spawning one after the another. And here I am giving them words.


I was in 9th standard and was selected as part of a students' group who would work as writers for blind students for their board (10th standard) exams. For us to take this assignment seriously, we were asked to engage in one on one sessions with our respective collaborators and listen. The girl I was supposed to write for told me a lot about herself, from where she was, her family, and how she wanted to become a teacher on growing up. Some habits are age proof. I was as awkward talking about myself freely, as I am now. (If I know you from previous meetings, the case would have reversed, with me going jabber-jabber). So apart from the fact that we both wanted to grow up to become teachers, I was happy in my teenagey ways that I did not make it any more uncomfortable. For her or myself. 


As the exams approached, I felt a huge weight of responsibility. I was not a precocious (I am so proud of this :P) kid, but I had a habit of taking everything in school uber-seriously. From day one I tried to be a good listener. We progressed from the languages to the sciences smoothly. For every exam I would patiently listen to her and write the answers in the most legit handwriting, without hurrying. During our informal training sessions we were told that sometimes we would need to complete some sentences (answers) on our own. In short we were allowed to transcribe some parts which we judged as incoherent. So I was pretty happy that I was able to do that for her on a daily basis, in sync. We had developed good chemistry. And thus came the last exam, Geography. Well last for me, as some other 6th standard student was supposed to write the mathematics exam. 
So during one long answer question, her mind suddenly went blank. She started panicking. I tried to reassure her, telling her that we would come back to that question later, after finishing other parts. The good thing was we used to get 30 minutes extra than other exam takers, as the listening-then writing down process was a bit tedious. So she somehow managed to answer the rest of the questions. But she had lost her confidence. The answers were not as good as she was capable of. Anyway we carried on. So when I came back to that question, she was still blank. She was in such panic now, that she started crying. Once her bout of crying was done she asked me if I would copy the answer from the coursebook she had with her.


Now here's the thing about cheating and my stance on it as a 14 year old. Even though I was a teacher's pet and all that, I had a slight rebel streak and had helped my friends during school exams by showing them answers. I don't judge myself for that. I know it must have felt thrilling. To whisper in the presence of an invigilator. 


So when she asked me to copy an answer, just one answer, I went into this huge dilemma. I thought over it so much in a self righteous manner, that time got over and I had to return the answer sheet. Of course, I lied to her telling that I had written the answer. In short a typical CnH moment like this one -> 

After that incident I got busy with my own exams and school routine. Living with the morbid fear of having screwed up her exams and possibly ruining her chance for good education, subconsciously (yes! I was a drama queen at the age of 14!). 


After a dreaded wait for 4 months, I came to know when my school reopened that everyone we wrote exams for had passed and the girl I wrote exams for had got 68%. No one's life screwed. HUGEST SIGH OF RELIEF EVER.


Last night when I was reminiscing this in my head, I realized how such moral issues were the core of my existence when I was 14. Felt amusing. Specially when I judged my 14 year old self for her overtly righteous behavior. Also feels peaceful to finally have penned this down.


~nightflier

my profound moment of growing up!

I am generally the girl who asks her aai (mother) to pray for her.
Well, it basically comes out of she being the nicer one, her prayers will get answered for sure, even if not sooner. So any big thing around the block, even something as lame as, going to collect the results of an exam, I normally ask aai to pray for me. Dad generally thinks I am being absurd. 1st because he thinks (always!) I have worked so hard. And he being the principled person that he is, thinks how can prayers help, if you haven't done your job ?
I ask aai anyway. Why take the chances?


One day, around 4-5 years back, I decided to grow up and stopped asking aai. How much could she account for my mistakes or doings, right? Felt very profound.
Even though it is liberating to be/feel responsible for oneself and build one's virtues, I miss the paranoid girl, who would ask her mother to pray for really stupid stuff. And would normally rejoice at the results.
I wonder if she knows this or thinks about it.


I know I need to believe in myself more.
My own prayers more.
But it is always comforting to know that if things go wrong, aai can take care. No ?


Did I say I grew up?


~nightflier

La Poderosa diaries

I am thankful generally that a lot of reading has been happening lately. Even though I was caught off guard by the new schedule and my en-office-route reading did take a back seat, I found my mojo. I think happens with stuff you really want to do in life.


So I have been wanting to write about a lot of books and what thoughts they triggered and generally having/wanting to finish every book which came my way. Digression. I recently read an NYT article which said its totally ok to read a book to a particular point and find oneself fulfilled by the writing/story and not come back to it after that. I know sounds strange. But happened with me during Pratispardhi (cuckold by Kiran Nagarkar). I was already in love. (actually thanks to Upasna's blog, I gifted aai this book with the selfish motive of getting to read it!) I reached a point in the book with all the histories of India merging, babur trying to invade delhi, Maharaja Kumar, trying to emulate his far flung enemy, in the course of warfare. It was awesome. But then I just stopped reading the book. At such a point in a book, when it was evident that I would finish it and go gaga about it, I did not come back to it. To me it seemed like a case of cold feet when nearing the end of a great book. Eventually I did finish it over one weekend. And I don't even know why I digressed so much. Anywho.

So Ernesto Che Guevera's motorcycle diaries was fascinating. Not because of the history of Che himself. But as a wanderer. If I were any younger and sans any education loan (I like to sound responsible and grown up once in a while), the book would have felt more like 'I totally want to do this' rather than 'wish I could do this now'. All the sighs and day dreams of getting to fly away from the real world apart, the book is in no way a travelogue. It's more of an awakening, which travelling normally does to one. I was wondering what was the life altering travel experience I have had till date. And I remember being stranded at a village bus stop near Nasik, on way back to Nasik from Shirdi. It felt adventurous then, being with a friend at a very badly lit bus stop post 7 pm, which was not even an official one (it was just a roadside stop, which village people used to hitch rides). Everyone was trying to help us and give their set of directions which was pretty cool and confusing at the same time. That incident somehow instilled in me the sense to be able to travel well, alone. So yes life altering.


   -> the soundtrack of the movie has been my ring tone for years now.


Anywho, I do believe that travelling changes one as a person. Just seeing so many alike people, landscapes, getting to know nature, oneself leaves you with a newer version of you. I am not much aware of Che's revolutionary fights. And I don't think I need to. Because the doctor boy who traveled across Latin America on a bike, boats, trucks, wanting to discover the world, himself, speaks volumes about him. And yes if you get the girly side of me, looking at his younger pics you would fall in love with Che. (question: aregntine guys are hot? ;-)) Also its full of really rich never before heard (at least for me) Inca history.


Rebel or no rebel, this is one book which satisfied the wanderlust in me. Specially with this migraine and squinting at laptop screen.


~nightflier


* La Poderosa - name of the bike on which Che and Alberto traveled.

Listen..

The other day I was talking to a long distance friend. She said she feels something will happen to her unbeknownst to us. I had just reached work and was multitasking. I did not catch what she was saying. And when it dawned on me, what she had typed in the chat window, my first thought was 'what nonsense are you talking about!!' Thankfully I did not blurt it out in the chat window. I waited. And then I asked her why she was feeling so and she should really not try to think in this direction any more. Not that I got any elaborate response from her, but I realized irrational feelings often need understanding. Listening. And whatever may be the cause, the more someone listens to your irrational thoughts, the better you yourself realize, how irrational it all is. :)


Also something I want myself to make a note of - Listen. More. I was a better listener. With time I have just started losing patience. And have started giving advice instead, on those few occasions, when just a smiley would have sufficed.


~nightflier

getting rid of the pests..

November was always good.
You had lost your voice. No drama. You just took time to find it all over again. Santa did visit. Like magic, a little early.


You opened your heart in December.
Always good. You sang, you danced, you wrote. A lot of people made home inside your heart. Wonderful.


Along came the pests. Little, crawling, not taking any of your attention. 
It suddenly started feeling like July. 
Rain everywhere. Lots of voices. 
You felt like drowning.


Feeling July-esque in February is not a good thing. You decided.
You are now getting rid of them. Those voices. 
One at a time.
Making sure that fragile voice of yours remains where it belongs.
So that you could bloom again. 


~nightflier