Default settings

These days I find myself making a lot of decisions of choosing between reacting or responding to a situation. I was surprised to find out, after so many years of trying to teach myself, that my default setting still is 'choosing to react'. Since it is easier to react, makes life harder. And I used to wonder I am moving towards this more self aware state of being, where I know what I am doing. Apparently, I do not. Still.

A close friend, pointed out a few things I do wrong, the other day. Believe me, if it wasn't KT, I would have conveniently reacted, thrown a fit how people are stupid and walked off. Since it was KT, I paused. I have been feeling bogged down by a lot of things in life lately, so what she said made even more sense. Maybe it was the trigger I needed. I started noticing patterns in my own behavior, how I was choosing the easier path of reacting to situations over and over again. Simply because it gave me more time to focus on other things. Little did I realize that it was becoming a part of my system.

Lately 'I don't have time' has been my standard reaction to a lot of people. After the quiet conversation over whatsapp with KT, I decided to refocus. I spent the day working from home. I made myself 4-5 cups of tea over the day, I took a nap, started reading a book, called up few friends and talked for hours and tried to not be shaped by my defaults.

Have I changed to 'not default' setting ? No. I would still prefer to judge some people without trying to understand where they are coming from. But I would know why I am doing that. And maybe someday go back to it and change my default stance. And as for making responsiveness my default, I guess it will always be work in progress. There but never quite there.

Notifications free

I joined the smart phone bandwagon pretty late. So-oh late that by the time I was on whatsapp everyone in my life, was already tired/bored of it and was seeking out ways to replace it with something else. But I guess that's the ruse they used on me to finally get me on board. Like everyone else. Hooked to my phone and the pings and the notifications. As with every new toy a kid gets I was obsessed with my smart phone. Learning the tricks. Playing candy crush incessantly. Driving everyone around crazy by begging for a life. Virtual life. As with all millennial trends I quickly reached a milestone where I could not live without looking at my phone every few seconds. Well, I exaggerate. Every other minute is more like it.

Around 2014 year end, my phone stopped working for some reason I dont remember. When it finally started, I had to reset all the apps. Which gave me a chance to reconfigure notifications settings for all apps. I have always been a proponent of silent notifications, so I never had to worry about what kind of sounds my phone would create to grab my attention. Still the visual notifications were there. My OCD struck brain could not handle notifications count each app showed, for missed notifications. Also the unseen notifications panel on iPhone lock screen annoyed me to no extent. Getting rid of them one by one per app was testing my patience. So I got rid of them one app at a time. Starting Jan 2015 my phone went notifications free. 
Whatsapp
Facebook/Messenger
Gmail
Twitter
Instagram
Foursquare/Swarm
Skype
Goodreads
Viber
Dictionary
Quizup
Elevate
Foodpanda
Pinterest
All misc apps like drive, uber, ola, yelp etc etc.

These apps were the first on the list.
Then I muted all groups on whatsapp. I also left a few groups eventually (story later).
The only apps where I did want to receive notifications were runkeeper and words with friends (given the frequency and liking for these app activities). So they got full reign over my notifications tab.
A big fear while doing this was I'll miss out on stuff. So the in app notifications remained. For example close friends updated on facebook etc.

So what's the outcome of all this cleansing ?

The frequency of me checking my phone has not reduced much. But I feel a huge relief because I dont feel like constantly checking my phone. I do check it every other hour (see the difference!) but its more for twitter and ig feed refresh and sometimes to clear whatsapp group messages, most of which are forwards which I do not even bother to read (on most occasions! )

6 months later I realize, I have not missed out on anything super important contrary to my fear. I am very much in loop on things happening in my social network. I do have this sense of not being controlled by the urge to check something on phone or keep it charged all the time. I am falling into a pattern to check emails. Like on my phone I check emails only in the morning after I get up and once I am home from work (which is sometimes a lot more than I would like). For the rest of the time, I am always logged into my computer, so does not matter. I have realized most whatsapp/fb/twitter/instagram notifications dont require my attention. But I still respond to them in a timely fashion, which serves another OCD of not having any response/reply debt.

Of course I am not sin free. Texts/iMessages, Calendar and work mail/slack are few notifications enabled apps, I have not yet gotten rid of. I am almost scared to death to miss out on anything (important) related to work. So I am not getting rid of visual notifications for them anytime soon. Also I do check work emails at ungodly hours and reply to them as well. So that is going to need a lot of discipline. I am not sure if I would like to get rid of Calendar alerts. They help. All the time!

In the end I am happy to announce that it does not kill you. Only makes you stranger.

We the people - Part deux

Growing up in Nagpur, after father's (baba) office on Fridays going to watch Amitabh Bachchan movies at a nearby theater was our definition of family outings. Baba is an AB fan. I also get my movies love from him. Watching movies was never considered as an immoral thing in my household. Of course my book lover aai's lineage would not agree with this (She still struggles to sit still in a 3 hour long movie, so making her watch a movie at home is a task!). But watching movies was the only alone time my parents would get in a joint family. I think that's very romantic. And I think that's why aai also learnt to survive films :)

So baba would buy us all sorts of snacks, hot samosas, popcorns, ice creams after movies during these outings. These escapades meant no restrictions. Now that I think of some of the terrible movies we have watched this way, I can't help but laugh it off. (Maybe that's the reason I am also very selective with what movies I watch nowadays).

Over time these outings became fewer. Someone was in 10th, someone had some other exam, or not enough AB movies were releasing. Baba had already educated us enough on hindi/english films to raise our expectations and become choosy. Also it started becoming more and more difficult to convince baba to watch a non AB movie. Aai would not mind this change anyway. Going out for movies with friends became the cool thing to do. Brother and I eventually moved out of home for studies/work.

The last time we four went out for a movie was the 3+ hour long Lagaan. Having cricket as the central theme helped us convince baba to accompany us, A pro-independence drama was reason enough for aai to agree. Easy peasy. We loved the film and were hooting and cheering by the end of it. (my dislike for Amir Khan notwithstanding). 

It took us 14 years and a wedding and thus an induction of a new family member, to watch another movie in a theater.  Last week all 5 of us agreed to go for Piku. It was a Sunday. From booking the tickets beforehand to getting parents to the screen before time felt like such an achievement. The film was thoughtful, fun, and a laughter riot. I almost felt a tinge of satisfaction seeing the parents love the movie. In a span of 25 years the idea is still the same. Of spending time together. Of being home.

And did I mention Amitabh Bacchan ? :)

Small world

I am wary of cliches. I love some of them, but some of them I really really dont like. And for some I have not made up my mind yet. 'The world is small' is one of those such things, which happens to other people. I always marvel at stories told by people around me about how they found someone after so many years and how it felt wonderful. Personally I feel cramped by the idea of a small world, where everyone knows everyone through someone. I like the idea of a connected world, but I like my space as well. I mean I am fine without the need of knowing everyone. Am I making any sense ?

So during my recent travels I went to a friend's wedding in Austin. During a friends and family get together I overheard an uncle sitting across from me talking about my hometown. Of course I got interested and when chance came upon, told him that I was also from the same city. One thing led to another and soon we figured out that the said uncle and I went to the same school. Separated by a span of 25 years. Isnt that cool! Then we started talking about school experiences and teachers. To everyone's amazement we shared the same teachers! 2-3 to be specific, but the teachers who had just joined school were on the brink of retirement when I graduated high school. This story started making the rounds in the entire gathering and soon we were excitedly telling everyone how cool this was! 
I somehow felt more at ease and comfort for the next 2 days of the wedding. I also met them again in California where they actually lived and I was visiting for work. They were super nice and treated me with great home food and another gathering of people of my hometown. I liked experiencing this cliche of a small world. Travel does open you up to things you thought you were not prepared for. The joy of meeting someone 25 years your senior and still talk about some of your favorite growing up moments is one such thing!

Life post three oh

• I no longer forget the year has changed. I have been putting the correct date on paper wherever required since Jan 1st. Although I am sure this is not a 30 effect. Its more of a becoming a person who is present here and now.

• The level of annoyance I used to experience when younger people around me used to play typically crass songs 3 years ago < the level of annoyance in general for any kind of music these days. I attribute it to being surrounded by younger people (in age of course). Also I am consciously choosing not to be a snob but enjoy everyone's choice or absence of any when it comes to music.

• I watched birdman and was thoroughly moved. Talking about the movie in any manner is a moot point but I could relate with the older actor's struggle to be not mediocre. I think we all go through it at some point or the other. These days I feel particularly grateful for being surrounded by people who are not mediocre, in their work, love, life, food, relationships, ideas of fun. I think you eventually do learn what matters to you and hence you try not to suck at it.

• There is so much amount of information available today, good, bad, negative, speculative, truly useful, bullshit, humor in news, funny videos, movies, songs, books to anything and everything. I no longer find the need to know/understand everything. I think I am happy with my evolution to this state. I can consciously make the choice about what content to consume and be happy with my limited consumption. For eg. I don't need to watch every funny video out there, or know every trending news/hashtag out there.

• I no longer dread keeping/maintaining an expense sheet. Earlier when I was a few years younger, the arrogance of keeping it all sorted out in my head and not on any kind of paper/online resource, made much sense. Now I feel its just one less overhead. My expense sheet might not be the most pretty to look at but it has information which makes sense to me. And for now I am happy I at least evolved to this level of maturity when it comes to keeping a tab on expenses.

• After systematic planning of finances over the past 3 years I have reduced my debt index by a large amount. My credit card balances are in check. So much that I willingly closed one credit card service. I only have 2 major debts remaining now. The student loan will last a bit longer, but I do have a plan for it now. I am slightly proud and a whole lot glad that I have reached this position from the mess I was in where I have lesser financial worries. (Talking about one's financial life is not so easy and I plan to do a detailed story once I am debt free.)

• I have also accepted my sense of clothing and fashion, which is easy going. So despite my body type being thin and athletic, I go for clothes which are loose, have flow, and are comfortable. I was never into body hugging clothes. So despite my physique being perfectly suitable for those, I have accepted to disappoint everyone who thinks my clothes choices are too boring. I'll go with boring as long as it lets me breath and helps me being myself.

Wandering heart

That sometimes has been my problem.
Specially when I am in some other country. Other place.
I am there and I cannot completely be there.
13 days into this trip, I am already missing my food, my people, my friends.
Its like parts of me are missing.
And they show up at random street corners here, during my daily run in the cemetery, while nibbling on takeout chinese food.
I like my independence of checking in and out of hotels at any time and ability to drive around on whims. I do like this country.
But inside me remains a deep craving for the known and familiar. 
Every unknown adventure here feels empty and forced.
The land of opportunities feels like a land wasted on me.
My 'abandonment anxiety'* type personality wakes up at ungodly hours to check my phone, to look outside if its sunrise yet.
When I am here, my heart wanders to a place I have come to call home. 
Though I argue with the security guards there all the time.
Back in Aundh. 

* A term I learnt recently from a beloved writer. And which I think suits me too well.

Rant

Today I got my self worth evaluated by a girl who thought I was too average looking or not smart enough to be styled by a celebrity.
I am known as a nice person among friends and colleagues (family will doubt that, because they get to experience my occasional outbursts). In addition, I have a master's degree in electrical engineering. I have aced all my exams. At work also I work hard and give 200% to everything I do. Apart from this I am also an accomplished runner. 
I am an educated, strong, empowered person.
So why did it sting when the girl passed this remark and was even dismissive and thankful that the celebrity would not have to style me?
I am worried because I let this get to me.
I am worried because this is how a lot of people, girls/boys included grow up. Their self worth targeted by someone who is probably insecure about stuff in their life. 
The girl in question probably wanted someone who looks good on camera and the celebrity could relate to. Well in that case, I ask the PR team to do some research on my facebook profile and pictures. Only mirror cracking stuff there!

I cannot pretend and be fake. At the same time I do not judge people who are fake. Probably that is how they get by in life. Which is fair.

But at the same time I do not think someone with poor PR skills and only the ability to impress celebrities, has any right to comment on my 'being too average looking' even in subtle terms.

P.S. A brand new Forever 21 store is opening in Pune. They ran some treasure hunts as part of brand campaigns in which I and a friend won a gift voucher worth 5000 Rs and a styling session with a celebrity. We also clicked pictures after the contest. Since I could solve the clue in the treasure hunt, my friend and I agreed to submit my name and phone number for the styling session. When I showed up at the event today, I realized it was going to run longer. Due to other commitments I asked the 'said lady' at the store that I would like to pass on the voucher and styling session to my friend. To which she happily replied 'Yes of course. I anyway had passed on your friend's picture to 'the celebrity' for styling'. End of story.

P.P.S. judge me all you want for taking part in a treasure hunt run by a fashion brand to girls targeted in the 'forever 21' category.