What I am grateful for

I hate to make this a bullet list. But I love lists. So I'll make one anyway. Bullets or no bullets.

Wonderful work colleagues. I was working with a person double my age for the past 3 weeks. I am not including the age factor for a comparison but as a perspective. When I told him on Diwali evening (he was already sad for me that I had to be away from family, working instead) that I had to go for 2 dinners and would leave office early, and be not available for 3-4 hours (we were working on something very crucial), he seemed ok. He not only let me be but did not bother me with any emails or texts. Now I know this is supposed to a norm in professional work culture etc etc. But on that Diwali away from home, I just felt his gesture to be super nice and felt immensely grateful for wonderful people around.
On other note, despite having worked in the same domain for such a long time, I did not find him to be complacent. He was meticulous in everything he did, prepared for a customer presentation like a first timer for hours together, making sure the story fell in place, involving me in all discussions and decisions. I guess learning never ceases.
He is also an accomplished photographer with 47 years of photography work behind him. He takes photography classes in spare time and has even had his work exhibited, and without even doing a humble brag. 

Friends who remember little things about you or your life and dont forget to remind you :) I love you A and R and what would I do without you!

Movie gems like 'me and earl and the dying girl' on long haul, never ending flights. Some of the best writing and direction seen for a coming of age drama. Also, how I miss reading what Ebert uncle would have written about this movie.

Second chances life gives with some people. Sometimes, people are not the email conversations you have with them. When you meet the 'real' people you realize there is no dearth of niceness around. I find this especially reassuring given the troubled times we are in, when its easier to judge someone than getting to know the real person.

The end of the tour

When I told a friend few years ago, that I was in love with David Foster Wallace, he chuckled and was amused by my choice of literary heroes, given Wallace's personal struggle. I had to convince him then, that I didn't do this choosing consciously, its something that happens. Organic is the correct word to the process, if there ever was one. It holds true for most things in my life. At least that's what I would like to believe. Like running happened to me naturally, without any external or internal imbalance. In a, 'it was meant to be' kind of way. Most of my friendships have been that way. The ones which were not, did not last long. (I used to be sad about it, because these were perfectly nice people to have friendship with. But I had to make peace with myself).

Anyway, I digressed! The moral of the story is, I am attracted to flawed and imperfect and broken people like Dave Wallace, naturally. And if you do too, then you should watch this new movie called 'the end of the tour'. The movie is nothing but conversations between DFW and the rolling stone journalist. But deep inside it reveals so much about what it means to be a certain kind of human being, through the words, eyes, experiences of one of the most brilliant writers.
As an afterthought, I would like to believe that the last scene kind of depicted Wallace to be free of his self-consciousness and finally out of his own head.

And if you are not familiar with DFW then do listen to this.

Hyderabad half marahton 2015

Apart from my perfect world reasoning, I have figured out another reason to register for and run races. Change of scenery. Simple. Every day running in the same neighborhood, hunting for a new route to trod under your weathered running shoes starts to become a challenge. Within a couple of years once you start running. So the only way to kill boredom and monotony of above routine is to register and run for races.

And if you like to travel, its an added bonus. With or without trains.

For this year's version of the #AHM, I registered for the half marathon. AGAIN. As if going through last year's ordeal was not enough. But snarky comments on my decision making aside, I wanted to run in Hyderabad by correcting a few wrongs on my end and see if it affected how I felt post run.
I'll list down the things I felt I did wrong last year, considering my overall fitness at that point:
1. Traveled around the city on Saturday in blazing heat, in a bus, in auto, on foot.
2. Ate food without due consideration for the race next day.
3. Wore clothes in which I had not practiced before.
4. Slept at 12 in the night and got up at 3.30 am on race day. ie insufficient sleep

This time I took the Shatabdi from Pune to Hyderabad, along with a bunch of other runners. I loved the Shatabdi experience! The food was good and the train super clean and super fast. As the train criss crossed through Maharashtra, Karnataka, Andhra Pradesh, the eight hour long day journey felt seemingly small. We reached in the afternoon, on the day before the race day. Did the ritual of visiting the race expo, bib collection, hanging around sports booths.

Upon checking in at the hotel, it was already evening. So even if I had any plans of sight seeing or shopping, I could not. So the evening culminated in a light South Indian dinner at Minerva Café. I was back at the hotel and in bed at 8.30 PM. After unpacking for race day and keeping my race gear* etc ready. Yes! At 9 PM I was asleep. Of course, one can blame the residual jet lag in my system for such early bed time. Nonetheless, I was asleep soon and woke up at 3.30 AM. 6-6.5 hours of sleep before a race has been a never before event in my running life. That itself was exciting enough. I was ready by 4.30 AM and done with one round of light breakfast of banana, some black tea, 2 marie biscuits and 2 glasses of water.

We left hotel at 5.20 AM. Because I had so much water I had to clear it out as well, and I spent 10 anxious minutes in the toilet line, just before the event. By the time we made it to the runners assembly area, it was crowded beyond imagination. We tried to sneak in with 'Excuse Me's and shoves and pushes, but could only make some progress. As the balloons went off and the race was flagged off, it took us 3-4 minutes to get to the start point. So the initial jitters of starting the race properly, were practically non existent. We were too worried about getting pushed to the start line.

Once the race started, it dawned on me that I had not made any plans. I had just shown up with enough regular runs in my pocket. One more thing I should clarify here. I ran in the US for a month prior to the race. Due to some magic (running gods must be happy with me!), my running speeds had improved tremendously there.

When I returned, I was worried how this would impact my race day. Weather and temperature are a huge factor in determining how you feel during a run. Keeping that in mind from last year's fiasco at Hyderabad, I felt I was prepared for any kind of drastic weather change. This was another reason, I had no particular plan for #AHM.

Around 4-5 km when everyone had found their comfort zone and the roads had cleared a bit, I spotted a 2.30 hour half marathon bus. The pacer looked familiar (he was from Pune) so I felt like joining him. One good outcome of this decision was, I ended up running in my comfort zone of 6.30-6.45 mins/km for the most distance. I did not push myself too hard to run faster and hence prevented a burn out. I also felt amazingly in control most of the time during the run. To quote every runner 'I was enjoying the run'. One flyover turned into another, one uphill turned into another but I did not feel like stopping or giving up. Despite blisters starting to form on my soles of both feet. I had never experienced this before. After 5-6 km, there was this weird burning sensation of the soles and it never quite went away.

I just ran. Never minding the pain or discomfort. This is how pain feels like, I told myself.

Around 17km, when the last uphill leg of the half marathon route started, I felt a bit tired. I told the pacer I wanted to walk. We still had 30 good minutes buffer to cover the 4 km and finish race before the 2 hour 30 mark. He kept on pushing me and making me feel comfortable by giving me illusive goals of 'just few more steps', 'just that banner', 'just that bend'. I did listen to him! When we entered the last 500 meters, I somehow got ahead of the bus and finished the race in 2 hours 22 mins.
I waited and waited for the pacer and his bus to show up but could not find him to convey my thanks, in the sea of people ->

there is no such thing as too many people!

[When I told this story to a few friends later, they laughed at me saying I must have imagined this 'pacer'! Of course, I did not.]

I was extremely satisfied and satiated post run. I got out of the daze to sit on the nearby lawn and removed my shoes. The touch of the grass to my blistered feet, is how heaven must feel like, I wanted to tell someone. I was smiling like a fool with that realization.
Contrary to all my previous race experiences, I ran this one without any specific goals and outcomes in mind. I was the most happy by the end of it. I think there is some hidden life lesson here. But I am going to let it go and try to learn during next race. May be ?

* I had practiced in my race day clothes on long runs during training. Since I sweat profusely while running, I was aware of what to expect in these clothes during the humid, hot run in hyderabad.

Default settings

These days I find myself making a lot of decisions of choosing between reacting or responding to a situation. I was surprised to find out, after so many years of trying to teach myself, that my default setting still is 'choosing to react'. Since it is easier to react, makes life harder. And I used to wonder I am moving towards this more self aware state of being, where I know what I am doing. Apparently, I do not. Still.

A close friend, pointed out a few things I do wrong, the other day. Believe me, if it wasn't KT, I would have conveniently reacted, thrown a fit how people are stupid and walked off. Since it was KT, I paused. I have been feeling bogged down by a lot of things in life lately, so what she said made even more sense. Maybe it was the trigger I needed. I started noticing patterns in my own behavior, how I was choosing the easier path of reacting to situations over and over again. Simply because it gave me more time to focus on other things. Little did I realize that it was becoming a part of my system.

Lately 'I don't have time' has been my standard reaction to a lot of people. After the quiet conversation over whatsapp with KT, I decided to refocus. I spent the day working from home. I made myself 4-5 cups of tea over the day, I took a nap, started reading a book, called up few friends and talked for hours and tried to not be shaped by my defaults.

Have I changed to 'not default' setting ? No. I would still prefer to judge some people without trying to understand where they are coming from. But I would know why I am doing that. And maybe someday go back to it and change my default stance. And as for making responsiveness my default, I guess it will always be work in progress. There but never quite there.

Notifications free

I joined the smart phone bandwagon pretty late. So-oh late that by the time I was on whatsapp everyone in my life, was already tired/bored of it and was seeking out ways to replace it with something else. But I guess that's the ruse they used on me to finally get me on board. Like everyone else. Hooked to my phone and the pings and the notifications. As with every new toy a kid gets I was obsessed with my smart phone. Learning the tricks. Playing candy crush incessantly. Driving everyone around crazy by begging for a life. Virtual life. As with all millennial trends I quickly reached a milestone where I could not live without looking at my phone every few seconds. Well, I exaggerate. Every other minute is more like it.

Around 2014 year end, my phone stopped working for some reason I dont remember. When it finally started, I had to reset all the apps. Which gave me a chance to reconfigure notifications settings for all apps. I have always been a proponent of silent notifications, so I never had to worry about what kind of sounds my phone would create to grab my attention. Still the visual notifications were there. My OCD struck brain could not handle notifications count each app showed, for missed notifications. Also the unseen notifications panel on iPhone lock screen annoyed me to no extent. Getting rid of them one by one per app was testing my patience. So I got rid of them one app at a time. Starting Jan 2015 my phone went notifications free. 
Whatsapp
Facebook/Messenger
Gmail
Twitter
Instagram
Foursquare/Swarm
Skype
Goodreads
Viber
Dictionary
Quizup
Elevate
Foodpanda
Pinterest
All misc apps like drive, uber, ola, yelp etc etc.

These apps were the first on the list.
Then I muted all groups on whatsapp. I also left a few groups eventually (story later).
The only apps where I did want to receive notifications were runkeeper and words with friends (given the frequency and liking for these app activities). So they got full reign over my notifications tab.
A big fear while doing this was I'll miss out on stuff. So the in app notifications remained. For example close friends updated on facebook etc.

So what's the outcome of all this cleansing ?

The frequency of me checking my phone has not reduced much. But I feel a huge relief because I dont feel like constantly checking my phone. I do check it every other hour (see the difference!) but its more for twitter and ig feed refresh and sometimes to clear whatsapp group messages, most of which are forwards which I do not even bother to read (on most occasions! )

6 months later I realize, I have not missed out on anything super important contrary to my fear. I am very much in loop on things happening in my social network. I do have this sense of not being controlled by the urge to check something on phone or keep it charged all the time. I am falling into a pattern to check emails. Like on my phone I check emails only in the morning after I get up and once I am home from work (which is sometimes a lot more than I would like). For the rest of the time, I am always logged into my computer, so does not matter. I have realized most whatsapp/fb/twitter/instagram notifications dont require my attention. But I still respond to them in a timely fashion, which serves another OCD of not having any response/reply debt.

Of course I am not sin free. Texts/iMessages, Calendar and work mail/slack are few notifications enabled apps, I have not yet gotten rid of. I am almost scared to death to miss out on anything (important) related to work. So I am not getting rid of visual notifications for them anytime soon. Also I do check work emails at ungodly hours and reply to them as well. So that is going to need a lot of discipline. I am not sure if I would like to get rid of Calendar alerts. They help. All the time!

In the end I am happy to announce that it does not kill you. Only makes you stranger.

We the people - Part deux

Growing up in Nagpur, after father's (baba) office on Fridays going to watch Amitabh Bachchan movies at a nearby theater was our definition of family outings. Baba is an AB fan. I also get my movies love from him. Watching movies was never considered as an immoral thing in my household. Of course my book lover aai's lineage would not agree with this (She still struggles to sit still in a 3 hour long movie, so making her watch a movie at home is a task!). But watching movies was the only alone time my parents would get in a joint family. I think that's very romantic. And I think that's why aai also learnt to survive films :)

So baba would buy us all sorts of snacks, hot samosas, popcorns, ice creams after movies during these outings. These escapades meant no restrictions. Now that I think of some of the terrible movies we have watched this way, I can't help but laugh it off. (Maybe that's the reason I am also very selective with what movies I watch nowadays).

Over time these outings became fewer. Someone was in 10th, someone had some other exam, or not enough AB movies were releasing. Baba had already educated us enough on hindi/english films to raise our expectations and become choosy. Also it started becoming more and more difficult to convince baba to watch a non AB movie. Aai would not mind this change anyway. Going out for movies with friends became the cool thing to do. Brother and I eventually moved out of home for studies/work.

The last time we four went out for a movie was the 3+ hour long Lagaan. Having cricket as the central theme helped us convince baba to accompany us, A pro-independence drama was reason enough for aai to agree. Easy peasy. We loved the film and were hooting and cheering by the end of it. (my dislike for Amir Khan notwithstanding). 

It took us 14 years and a wedding and thus an induction of a new family member, to watch another movie in a theater.  Last week all 5 of us agreed to go for Piku. It was a Sunday. From booking the tickets beforehand to getting parents to the screen before time felt like such an achievement. The film was thoughtful, fun, and a laughter riot. I almost felt a tinge of satisfaction seeing the parents love the movie. In a span of 25 years the idea is still the same. Of spending time together. Of being home.

And did I mention Amitabh Bacchan ? :)

Small world

I am wary of cliches. I love some of them, but some of them I really really dont like. And for some I have not made up my mind yet. 'The world is small' is one of those such things, which happens to other people. I always marvel at stories told by people around me about how they found someone after so many years and how it felt wonderful. Personally I feel cramped by the idea of a small world, where everyone knows everyone through someone. I like the idea of a connected world, but I like my space as well. I mean I am fine without the need of knowing everyone. Am I making any sense ?

So during my recent travels I went to a friend's wedding in Austin. During a friends and family get together I overheard an uncle sitting across from me talking about my hometown. Of course I got interested and when chance came upon, told him that I was also from the same city. One thing led to another and soon we figured out that the said uncle and I went to the same school. Separated by a span of 25 years. Isnt that cool! Then we started talking about school experiences and teachers. To everyone's amazement we shared the same teachers! 2-3 to be specific, but the teachers who had just joined school were on the brink of retirement when I graduated high school. This story started making the rounds in the entire gathering and soon we were excitedly telling everyone how cool this was! 
I somehow felt more at ease and comfort for the next 2 days of the wedding. I also met them again in California where they actually lived and I was visiting for work. They were super nice and treated me with great home food and another gathering of people of my hometown. I liked experiencing this cliche of a small world. Travel does open you up to things you thought you were not prepared for. The joy of meeting someone 25 years your senior and still talk about some of your favorite growing up moments is one such thing!